Hearts & Stars (A Paul Stanley X Tommy Thayer Rock & Roll Love Story)

Chapter 9-Why Can't I say it? Dreams of the Starchild (Paul Stanley POV)

A/N: Dreams, angst, feelings...foreshadowing...

Things have not been going well for me personally AT ALL. It's all the worse because it's my fault. All my fault...Gene & Eric have both called and show up at my house in person to chew me out....'Chew me Out' is putting it very and I do mean very politely. It was all about me being a coward, my dancing around with Tommy...but mainly they'd told me just what I'd been doing to Tommy & when they told me...I was floored, and it broke my heart...my fault. I was told that Tommy had been struggling with his feelings for ME, that he'd started to have panic attacks. Why the hell haven't I realized?! Why haven't I seen? I mean sure Tommy hasn't told me how he's felt either, but it's me that's been the biggest problem.

All of this explains why he's been so much more clammed up when him & I have talked...why it's been so awkward and all...plus I haven't seen him. Tommy's been so much more reclusive. It hurts...and its my fault. Gene & Eric are right, why can't I just let myself be happy? Why can't I let go completely? Maybe I should too not only say that I love him but SHOW him too.

I am laying here staring up at my ceiling surrounded in darkness unable to sleep. I need to do something to fix this...if I can. Finally, I begin to drift off...

"Paul? How.... why? what is this?!", Tommy cries chest heaving & so is mine. It seems that he's caught Ace & I in what looks to be a compromising position, but it isn't what it seems. Ace it seems has forced himself on me, kissed me...but I pushed him away...but God, no! Tommy thinks...I'd never....

"Tommy...no... it's not what it looks like...I swear! I'd never.... please...", I plead but Tommy isn't having it.

"No! I can't deal with this right now!! Not now! I can't look at you. I---", I watch as he pales as if he's going to get sick, but it seems to pass but it takes some effort on his part.

Tommy turns to Ace angrily & sadly, tears streaming down his face, "I should have known! You just couldn't leave well enough alone. I knew I could never compete...I knew! I---no...no. No more!" With that he turns on his heel and the door slams and I try & go after him, but he's already gone.... I look down & twist the wedding band around my finger...and then round on Ace...both of us are stunned at just how emotional Tommy's outburst was...and I unleash on Ace.... then the scene shifts....

"I'm sorry I ran away from you Paul and didn't even give you a chance to explain. I---", Tommy breaks down and I take him into my arms as we lay on the bed.

"Shh, Tommy.... it's ok! I'm the one who should say I'm sorry...I thought that Ace was just going to apologize, I was willing to give him a chance to...but he had me fooled. I love you & ONLY you.... Now, peter said you had something to tell me?", my tone curious but tinged with fear.... please don't let him leave me or be hurt....

"I do have something...I---", he pushes me away and bolts to the bathroom adjoining the bedroom and heaves violently, getting sick as I hold his hair back...finally it passes & I help him rinse his mouth out before carrying him back to bed.

"Paul, sorry you had to see that.... but well, um I'm pregnant.", Tommy whispers, he sounds so afraid.... I quickly reassure him...

"Tommy are you serious?", a nod from Tommy, "Baby, this is wonderful! Amazing! We're really going to have a baby?!"

Slowly a smile spreads across my husband's face, "Yeah we are. I love you Paul...I love you my starshine!"

"I love you too, I love you too", and I pull him into a kiss and then everything begins to fade....

I wake up crying, startled...those dreams or where they really dreams? They were so real, almost too real.... I glance at the clock, but I've only been out for...damn! Just 2 hours?! Ugh!

Once more I find myself staring up at the ceiling, mind reeling.... I really do love Tommy. So much it hurts, I've hurt him so much by dancing around and really, I think I have been stringing him along.... oh, I suppose or rather I know Tommy too has danced around...but I am madder at myself.... will it be too late? I mean we have another show soon.... maybe I can tell him then? That is, if Tommy will let me.... We need to talk, regardless of whatever happens. I need to tell him everything, that I love him...just everything.... more than anything too, I need to SHOW him...I must try, I have to...Guilt, I feel so much guilt that I've caused him to have panic attacks.... True, I haven't been doing so well either.... but Tommy's taking it worse than I am...

Please, please let me be able to fix things!!

Finally, after while I manage to fall asleep...and once more I dream....

A/N: Oh I cant wait to hear your thoughts on this chapter! Stay tuned for more!!