Something Is Missing | Ronnie Radke

Chapter 9- Tearing Me Apart

I laid awake in bed staring at the ceiling as Cassidy was fast asleep next to me. My hands were placed over my stomach as millions of different things ran through my head.

Was I really pregnant? Did I really miss two periods? How did I not notice? What would I do? Should I even tell Ronnie? Would Ronnie even want anything to do with it?

My heart was racing the entire night and I didn't sleep a single second.

When the sun finally began to rise, I rolled out of bed and made my way into the living room. As I sat there, I let my mind truly wander off to Ronnie for the first time all night.

We'd talked about kids before, but never about having them with each other. He didn't necessarily want any, but he said he didn't want to completely shut down the idea.

I felt the same. I never truly wanted kids. I was never too fond of them, but if it came along I told him that I'd probably go along with it.

While that was still true, it made it a bit different knowing that we were no longer together and that I really didn't want to deal with or talk to him. I didn't know if I could face him again, and a baby would keep us tied to one another— I didn't think I could take that.

"Good morning," Cassidy said as she walked in, stretching. "How are you feeling?" She yawned.

When I looked up to meet her eyes I shook my head. "I don't know," I mumbled. "I don't know what to do."

Cassidy crashed down next to me and wrapped her arms around me, holding me close. Tears began to pull from my eyes. "It's okay," she whispered. "You're going to be okay no matter what the situation is."

I shook my head. "I don't know if I'll want it," I cried. "It's tearing me apart. Do I tell him? Do I not?"

She rubbed my arm to comfort me. "Why don't we start with getting a test or going to a doctor? I can get you an appointment with mine," she offered. "I can go with you. I just have to tell Dierks that you and I have lunch plans or something." 

My eyes shot wide as I rubbed my hands down my face, leaning back into the couch. "Dierks! What about tour!? Oh my god! What am I going to do? Do I Abor-..."

"Hey, Jenny, calm down," Cassidy jumped in. "You don't have to abort it. If that's something you don't want to do, there is always adoption."

"I'm fucking up my career before it's truly started," I exclaimed. "Oh my god." More tears pulled down my face.

"Hey, come here," she said as she pulled me back into her arms. "We will get this figured out. Together. You're not alone."

***

"Hello Ms. Wilde, I am Dr. Pitts. I see you're here today because you aren't sure if you're pregnant or not," the doctor said as she shuffled into the room.

I was sitting on an examination table with Cassidy sitting in a chair next to it.

"Yeah," I replied as I shook my head. I still couldn't believe this was my predicament.

She sat down in an office chair and looked at me with a small smile on her face. "What would make you believe that you're pregnant? Have you shown any symptoms?"

I ran a shaky hand through my hair and nodded. "I'm two months late, which I didn't realize until last night... And last night I realized a sensitivity to smell," I told her.

Before me or the doctor could say anything else, Cassidy jumped in. "She has also been extremely exhausted a lot lately," she added. "I know that was a big issue when I was pregnant with Knox."

The doctor nodded as she wrote a few things down on a piece of paper. "Okay, we're going to do this the old fashioned way," she informed me. "I will have the nurse bring in a pregnancy test. If it comes up as positive, then we can run an ultrasound and confirm."

I nodded. I was extremely nervous. Never in a million years did I think that I would be in a predicament like I was. 

I did as the doctor said. When I was done, I left the test on the sink for the nurse and moved back into the room where Cassidy was sitting. I was so nervous I felt like I could upchuck my breakfast— or... Or was that morning sickness?

"Hey, you're okay," Cassidy said as we both watched the nurse move into the bathroom.

"This is just so scary."

"Ms. Wilde," the nurse jumped in, shuffling in from the bathroom. "Congratulations. You're pregnant. I will go and get Dr. Pitts so you can go over the next steps." She quickly moved out of the room.

"Oh god." My voice cracked as a few tears slid down my cheeks.

She reached up and grabbed my hand. "Just stay calm," she whispered. "It's all gonna be okay."

I nodded as I wiped my tears away— I had no clue how to respond.

The doctor came shuffling it with a smile on her face. "Congratulations, Jennifer. Now why don't we see your baby?" She said as she moved over to a machine in the corner and rolled it toward me.

"O-okay," I mumbled as I looked at her with wide eyes. I looked back at Cassidy and she gave me a reassuring nod.

"If you could lean back, pull up your shirt, and slide your waist band down a bit," Dr. Pitts said as she pulled out a bottle of gel.

I did as she asked and she got the gel onto my skin. She began to spread it around with the wand before she looked at the screen and typed a few things.

My heart was pounding and my breathing quickened as I carefully watched the doctor. Cassidy grabbed my hand, trying to comfort me.

"Okay," the doctor said as she turned the screen toward me and Cassidy.

My jaw dropped as I saw what was on the black and white screen. "H-How far along am I?!" Cassidy's hand tightened around mine. 

The screen showed a bean shaped figure that appeared to have little nubs as arms. How?! This wasn't real. There was no way.

"Well, based on the shape and development, it appears you're about eight and a half weeks," she informed.

She pulled up a chart and began looking at the dates. "Alright," she said. "It looks like the date of conception is April 17th and your due date is January 8th."

I sucked in a breath. This was really real.