Something Is Missing | Ronnie Radke

Chapter 3- I Ain't Missing You

After the studio, I went straight home. I pushed my way in and shut the door behind me, making sure it was all locked— very tight.

While Ronnie didn't know where I lived, I would never put it past him to find some way to find me. He had a way to always know what he shouldn't know. And for some reason I loved that about him.

After seeing that Ronnie was blowing up my phone, I didn't bother going through and reading what he had to say. I turned my phone off and left for home.

Not only did I now not feel the best, but I also needed some time to myself. I didn't want to be bothered by anyone. All I wanted was to be curled up in a ball in bed.

I had about four hours before I needed to be back at the whiskey bar for my last performance of the week— there was time to sleep.

I tore my clothes off and slid into my bed, curling into a ball. Tears began to fall from my eyes. What was I supposed to do?

The only thing I ever did to myself was cause more problems. Even I was getting sick of myself. I loved Ronnie, but I didn't know if I could be with a person who had to be in control as much as he was.

The stunt he pulled with his label still had me furious.

My eyes fell shut as I laid in bed. A picture instantly appeared in my dream. It was the night that we broke up.

"What happened?" Kristy asked as she pulled away from the curb.

I kept my eyes on Ronnie in the rearview mirror. He was just standing in the rain, watching as we drove away from him. He kept getting smaller and smaller until he was out of view.

"It's fucked up," I cried as I rubbed my eyes. I shook my head. "He thought he could control me."

Kristy let out a sigh. "Now, I don't expect you to ex-..."

"No... I will... He uh... He thought he could magically have his label offer me a cadillac deal. One that's so much better than Nashville," I told her. "All because he didn't want me to leave."

"Ya know," Kristy said, "Maybe he didn't say he loved you just to say it. Maybe he actually meant it. He can't stand to be away from you."

I choked on a sob as I shook my head. I pulled my wet shirt up to wipe my eyes. "I love him, too. But I can't have him trying to control me or making decisions for me."

She didn't say much else on the ride back to the apartment building. I only thanked her for the ride and then retreated back to my place.

Everything of Ronnie surrounded me. One of his leather jackets, a few of his shirts, plenty of pictures of us, and, yes, the memories.

I tore the pictures off the wall and the fridge and threw them in a random box. I didn't want to see his face anymore. I couldn't.

As I slid onto a stool at the island, I pulled my hair and continued to cry.

This wasn't how I wanted to feel when I went to Nashville.

My alarm going off pulled me from my dream... Well, my nightmare.

I had to go and get ready for the show, despite not wanting to. If he was truly going to be in Nashville, he would certainly be at the show because if Derek could find me, Ronnie could— that scared me. I didn't want to see him.

After I got ready, I sat down to have dinner. Good ol leftover chicken and rice. One of my favorites that would get me through my gigs.

***

"Hey Y'all," I called out with a big smile. The bar was actually pretty busy. "How are you doing!?"

There was a round of cheers from around the bar. "I'm Jennifer Wilde and I'd like to play a few songs for you guys. How does that sound!?"

With a smile I leaned toward my microphone and adjusted my guitar strap. "This first one is an original called 'Butterflies'," I said with a small smile.

No matter how I felt about Ronnie at this point, the song always took me back to how I felt when I wrote it— I was deeply in love with the man and looking for a way to show it.

"I was just coastin', never really goin' anywhere," I sang. I glanced down at my guitar before looking back up into the sea of people.

"Caught up in a web, I was gettin' kind of used to stayin' there. And out of the blue," I continued as my eyes stopped wandering the crowd— locking on one person.

Those big brown eyes were looking back at me and a soft smile was playing on those plump lips.

"I fell for you," I sang, my voice weaker than the rest of the lyrics.

The rest of my gig was a blur. I didn't care what was happening around me. I didn't care whether I was doing well or not.

All I could do was keep looking back to those big brown eyes and that flawless face.

That was when I got the idea.

"Okay y'all," I announced. "I want to play one more for you. It's a brand new one— still in the works, actually... I wouldn't normally do this, but this is for someone special here today."

I was feeling extremely confident at this point. I was riding high. The crowd was feeding me the energy.

My eyes stayed locked on him the entire song. I didn't miss the smile on his face for the first few lines and the way it was swiped off when he realized what it meant.

As I finished the song I smiled out into the sea of patrons, tearing my eyes from him. "Thank you, everyone! Once again, I'm Jennifer Wilde and I will be here every Thursday for the next two months!"

My eyes flicked back, trying to find Ronnie. Only, he wasn't there.

Part of my heart broke, the other part of me felt beyond powerful because he left.

I wouldn't have to talk to him now. That was nice at least.

After all my things were gathered, I moved to the back and retreated into my normal dressing room. I locked the door behind me and sat down in the small chair.

All I could think was about how he left. It felt good to know I had some type of control. My words were enough for him to understand I wanted nothing to do with him.

All my thoughts went out the fucking window when there was a knocking on the door.

"Jenny," the voice that I longed to hear called from the other side.

Okay, maybe I wasn't done with him.