Something Is Missing | Ronnie Radke

Chapter 13- Journal Entry

"Hey there, Jen! I see you're finally here for your four month check up today," Dr. Pitts greeted as she walked through the door. "You're at about 17 weeks now. Almost halfway there!"

I nodded with a small smile on my face as I placed a hand over my small bump. "Yeah... But for 17 weeks shouldn't I be showing a bit more? I barely have a bump." When I looked back up at her she was smiling at me.

"Every pregnancy is different and every woman is different," she stated. "I think as long as the ultrasound looks good, you'll be okay. You're probably just carrying the baby a bit different than most women do."

"Okay," I replied. "I just want to make sure nothing is wrong." I began to move back and pull my shirt up so she could start the ultrasound.

"Understandable. Hopefully the little one is in a better position today and we can find out what it is," she noted as she pulled the gel out. "How does that sound?"

"That sounds really good," I mumbled, my heart rate picking up. I was so nervous and so scared, but beyond excited to find out what the baby was.

"Have you decided on what you're going to be doing yet," she asked, looking me directly in the eyes. Thanks to Cass, she knew about my whole situation.

I sighed. "I actually started looking for a family last week," I informed. "I haven't seen any that I think could be a good fit, though. The right family will come along."

Dr. Pitts nodded. "I'm sure you'll find someone soon. It may help knowing the gender as well," she said. She grabbed the wand and began to spread the gel over my very small bump.

She made her few taps on the keyboard, staring the screen down. The baby's heartbeat filled the room, and I nearly lost my breath. It was so much stronger than it was at my 12 week check up-- I was really growing a human. I still couldn't believe it at times.

The doc soon turned the screen toward me with a smile on her face. The baby had clear arms and legs, which was astounding to me. "And here is your beautiful baby boy," she said.

My eyes widened. "A boy?! I'm really having a boy?" I asked as I continued to look at the screen. He moved on the screen a bit and I smiled. "When will I be able to feel him move?"

"Any day now, hun. And despite you not showing, he looks to be the perfect size... The size of a pear," she told me. "Would you like a print out of the ultrasound?"

I nodded. "Yes! Please! Can I get two maybe?!" I requested as I kept my eyes locked on the screen.

"Of course! I should just assume that you want two at this point," she said with a chuckle. "I will freeze the screen for you. Here is a towel so you can clean up. I will be right back with your printout and then we can talk again."

I smiled and nodded at her. This was insane. The baby was getting so big, but I was not. I wasn't necessarily mad about that, it made my situation easier to hide; however, I knew I wasn't going to be able to hide it all the way until the birth.

My heart swelled as I looked back at the screen. He was going to be so handsome. Just like his father.

***

I watched the clock as I finished writing in my notebook and taped a picture of the ultrasound under my writing. With a sigh, I looked back to my writing and read it over.

'Ronnie,

Today I found out that I am carrying a baby boy. Our baby boy. It makes me so excited to finally know what I am having. I wish you could be here to share the joy with me. There is no doubt in my mind he will look and act just like you.

I wish you were here.

I love you,

Jenny'

With a sigh, I gave my baby diary one last look and shook my head. This was my only way of feeling better about everything that was happening-- by writing letters to Ronnie that he would never see. In fact, I was going to be the only one to ever see them. Once the baby would be here, I'd burn every single page.

I tore my eyes from the notebook and stuffed it in one of my drawers. It was already 6:30 and I had to get ready. In less than a half hour I would be going out on my first 'date' since I broke up with Ronnie.

It was with one of Cole's friends, Terry. I met him at the studio one day and he asked me to accompany him at a get together with a group of friends for dinner.

One thing that made me happy was that he knew about my situation and he still wanted to go out. He was nothing like Ronnie. He had the country vibe and was always a happy guy. Terry was a great guy that I could see myself possibly build a future with.

I began to look through my clothes, flipping through them all and not liking any of them. "Ugh. What the fuck," I grumbled as I looked through them again. I finally decided on a black shirt, one of the ones that Ronnie helped me pick out for a date night.

With a sigh, I pulled it on and smoothed it over my bump. It definitely didn't look like I was pregnant. I wasn't going to be mad about that. At least it made it feel like it was a normal 'date'.

Before I knew it, there was a knock at my door. I sucked in a deep breath and moved to open it. There stood Terry with a big smile on his face. "Hi Jen, you look great!"

I tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled. "Thank you," I said. "You look quite dapper tonight." He was in a blue and white plaid shirt and a pair of khaki pants.

"Thank you. Are you ready to go? My friends said that dinner should be ready just a couple minutes after we get there," he said.

I nodded. "Yes! Let's go," I replied. He held out his hand and I grabbed it, letting him lead me down the hall.

As I slid into his car, I couldn't help but feel like the night wasn't going to be as good as I was hoping. And I prayed I was wrong about that.