Something Is Missing | Ronnie Radke

Chapter 16- Blow Up

My eyes stayed locked on his big brown ones. His jaw was slightly dropped open as he looked at me in shock. His large hand didn't leave my bump like I thought it would, he just stayed there rubbing his thumb back and forth, staring at me.

I began to grow worried as I continued to look into his eyes. "Ronnie?" I asked. My hand left his and moved up to his face, cupping his cheek.

That was when he finally came to. His eyes went wider as he sucked in a gasp. "How... How long?" He questioned, his voice soft. He finally lifted his hand from my bump and removed my hand from his face, but he still held my hand.

"17 weeks," I mumbled as I tore my eyes from his. "It just... I'm sor-..." His hand squeezed mine, hard.

"You've known for 17 weeks!? Jesus, Jen! That was before you even left for Nashville," he exclaimed, finding his voice. "You gotta be fu-..."

I was thankful that he hadn't thrown me off his lap and walked out yet, that made me feel a bit better. "No, no, no," I quickly shot back as I shook my head. "God no! I'm 17 weeks along... I found out just under two months ago."

That was when he brushed me off his lap and began to pace around the living room, nervously running a hand through his hair. "How could you not tell me! That means when I came to see you, you knew! Were you just not going to tell me?!" Ronnie stopped dead in his tracks and turned to look at me, his eyes wide and his face... Full of worry.

I scrambled off the couch and stood there, looking at him. "First off," I began, putting a hand on my hip, "I had no clue then! I only found out a week later. And we weren't on good terms. When I did manage to call you, you snapped on me and I was forced to make a decision."

Ronnie let out a sigh and shook his head, knowing damn well that he snapped on me and I blew up on him.

"And second of all, I hadn't made my mind up until last week on what I was going to do," I added. "So, I couldn't fucking call you until I decided what I wanted!"

He scoffed. "What you wanted?! The baby is mine, too! What about what I want? You were just going to go ahead and not tell me then!? And raise it! You know damn well that if I ever have a child I want to be there! I don't want any child of mine to go through what I did," he shot back, voice just below a yell.

I shook my head at him. "No, Ronnie! I was going to find a family! I was going to put him up for adoption," I exclaimed.

Ronnie's eyes went wide, and I swear if there is a god above, there was fire spewing from his eyes. "So, great! There was going to be a little me running around and I would have no clue!? Jesus Christ Jenny," he yelled.

I knew he was right. I should have told him when I could. With a sigh, I sat down on the couch and buried my face in my hands as tears began to pull from my eyes. "I'm sorry," I  mumbled. "I thought I was doing what was right for me. Staying detached." 

"Jenny," Ronnie said, his voice soft all of a sudden. He squatted down in front of me and let out a deep sigh. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blow up." He put his hands on my knees.

"This is so fucked up, Ronnie," I announced as I pulled my face from my hands. When I looked up, I was looking directly into watery brown eyes. "I fucked up."

"Is this really what you want to do?" he questioned. "Put him up for adoption?" His big brown eyes looked up at me as a few tears rolled down his cheeks.

I let out a sigh as I brought a hand up and cupped his cheek. "I don't know," I whispered. "I don't know what to do. This isn't only my decision anymore."

The corners of his mouth tipped up in a smirk before, quickly falling. "You've had to go through all of this alone," he finally said. He looked down in disappointment and then back up. "If I had known..."

"No, Ronnie. It's on me." My voice was shaky. "I just... I didn't know what to do. And I still don't."

He moved to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear and continued to look at me in the eyes. "I will be there. No matter the decision, I will be there."

I smiled and nodded. "Th-Thank you, Ronnie," I mumbled. "It means a lot. I've already gone through a lot of this alone."

Ronnie sat up on the couch next to me and instantly pulled me into his lap. I rested my head on his shoulder as I placed a hand in his chest. "I want to be here for you both," he said, he brought a hand up and placed it on my stomach. "You said you were four months?"

His dark eyes were looking down at his tattooed hand placed over my small bump. "Yeah," I mumbled. "17 weeks now."

"But you're not showing. Is that normal?" His voice was almost a whisper. Ronnie's thumb began to move back and forth on my stomach.

I let out a sigh. "Doctor said he was a good size," I replied. "I was reading somewhere you can wake up one morning and all of the sudden you feel bigger than a whale."

Ronnie chuckled. "And it's a boy?" He questioned. He sounded amazed.

"Yeah," I whispered as I nodded against him. "I just found out yesterday, actually. I was hoping for a girl, though."

"He's gonna be just like you," he replied. "At least I hope he will be. You've got so much going for you."

I sighed and shook my head. "You do, too, Ronnie," I mumbled. My eyes fell shut as we sat there. It felt so good to be in his arms again, I'd missed it so much.

"D-Do you really want to put him up for adoption?" Ronnie asked after a few minutes of silence. "If you want to keep him, I'd be there every step of the way."

My eyes opened and I lifted my head from his shoulder. I looked him straight in the eye. "But what about our careers? It's not much longer and I'm sure you'll be going on tour. And within a year I will be on tour, too," I said. "I don't know how to make it work."

Ronnie shook his head. "I will be here for you either way you want to go. If you want to keep him... If that's what you want to do, then I will be here for you and the baby," he replied. "And we can arrange our schedules when possible to work the best they can. Plus, I think my dad would love to have a little guy to watch after at times. He's been lonely since him and that bitch broke up."

I rolled my eyes and whacked Ronnie in the chest. "Can I get back to you? There's a lot going on right now."

He nodded. "Take your time, baby," he said, then let out a yawn. "Why don't we head to bed? I know neither of us got much sleep."

"That sounds good," I mumbled as I put my head on his shoulder. "But you gotta carry me. I'm too tired."

Ronnie chuckled. "Fine, you pain in the ass!"