I've Broken Bones For You

Chapter 16

I don't know if this warning is necessary, but this chapter mainly deals with strong feelings of worthlessness and self-hate. So if that's something triggering to you or something you can relate to and rather not read about, then I guess skip this chapter. It does reveal one or two things though, so I don't know, your choice. I just felt like I needed to say something before you started reading, just in case. 

Also, this chapter was supposed to be a lot longer, but seeing as I haven't updated in a while, I decided to not drag it out. 

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Chapter 16 

Kellin's P.O.V.

I don't know where the hell I'm going, but I'm going somewhere. This is how it is almost every day lately, going somewhere unknown. But this time I'm pissed off and my head still hurts from my nasty hangover. It's only been a few hours of catching a bus and walking down busy and empty streets. The day isn't even over yet. 

I haven't gotten any phone calls from Vic. I'm grateful for that, because if he had been calling me, I would have gotten even more pissed off and left my phone somewhere else. That's a little bit of an overreaction, I know, but it could happen. I don't even know why we fought in the first place, and that's bothering me. I didn't want to make things worse, though I know it's my fault. I'm the one who got drunk in the first place and he's the one who had to come to my rescue. 

Today is a cold day. The sun isn't shining and it's windy; the cold is air cutting through my sweater, making me shiver. It's starting to get dark. I want to be inside, but I'm determined to get somewhere. I haven't found a place to sit down and think yet, so I keep walking. 

What if things with Vic never work out again? I screwed things up since the beginning and I thought I put an end to our problems when I decided to break up with him. That just made things worse for me and then we got back together at some point, and now everything is a mess. I should have just stayed away. Then we wouldn't be mad at each other and I wouldn't be like this.

I'm honestly so sick of all this betrayal. My father fucking sold his house and moved away somewhere for the benefit of my sister without even saying a word to me. Not like I expected him to, but aren't dads supposed to at least say something about it as a heads up? Nope. He called me from his new home telling me all the good things about it because he's a fucking prick. 

That's the reason I drank that night. I needed to drown out the feeling of betrayal. That feeling makes me sick to my stomach, and I've felt it all too much before. Nobody cares about me, but hell do I care about other people. I should have just stayed being that arrogant jerk so nobody would want to get to know me, maybe then I wouldn't be hurting this much. 

I finally decide to sit down on a bench. My legs are getting tired and my head is hurting again. I'm thinking too much, I know, but how can I not? I sigh, wanting to fall asleep on this bench and not wake up for a long time, but then I know that somebody would find me and force me to wake up like always.  Maybe that's a good thing, because I can't control my dreams and hell do I know I'll have them. 

I'm such an idiot. I screwed up. I mess everything up. I'm always making things worse than they already are. I found Vic in that bathroom that one fateful day and here we are. I made this happen. Sure, there's two sides to the story, but I only know mine. 

I study the ground, ignoring the people walking by as the sky darkens and they make their way to their homes. Who knows, maybe they don't have one. I know I don't. 

Everything hurts. I put my face in my hands and I can't help the tears from escaping. I rarely cry. It just hurts. I'm so mad at myself. So disappointed. I feel like I can't breathe, like the air is becoming too hot and the only thing I can feel is the screaming of my lungs and the pain in my heart, soul and mind. What have I done to myself?