I've Broken Bones For You

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I don't move over for him. I stay rooted to the spot, not giving him an inch of space to shuffle inside. He's just standing there, looking awkward and desperate. He's the same Kellin from six months ago, with his dark hair and blue eyes. But he could have easily changed and I can be looking at a stranger right now.

"What are you doing here?" Is the first thing I ask him. He hesitates in answering, fidgeting with the sleeve of his hoodie.

Finally, Kellin answers my question, "I don't really know. I needed somewhere to go and your place was the first thing I thought of."

"You could have just gone to Matty's." I suggest, leaning casually on the door frame, relaying the message that he's not allowed inside just yet.

Kellin looks away. "Matty isn't answering any of my phone calls." He says bitterly. I furrow my eyebrows, because him and Matty were always so close. I don't ask him why though, it's not my place to ask.

"So why didn't you call me?" I ask. It would have been great if he had warned me beforehand. I can't believe my ex is standing at my doorstep, wanting to come inside. I don't even know the reason why he's here.

"Didn't have time." He answers simply. That's not much of an explanation! It's late and he's here and I have no idea what to do.

A silence stretches between us, and I can almost hear the seconds ticking away. I swore to myself that if I ever saw Kellin again, it wouldn't be awkward. But here we are, not saying a word. It's awkward. I guess that's what you get when you date someone and they break up with you.

"Please, Vic." Kellin whispers and I bite my lip. He really does look helpless and I don't want to refuse.

"I can't." I say and he sighs. Don't be a weak ex boyfriend, Vic. Don't feel guilty. But as soon as the motherfucker begins to turn away in defeat, I instantly feel guilty. "Wait, Kellin." I call after him and he turns towards me. "I'll let you stay the night. But you better give me an explanation in the morning."

Kellin weakly smiles at me. I move over so he has access to my house. "Thanks." He says and I nod. I lead him to the living room, where he looks at me questioningly. "Where do I sleep?"

I'm about to say my room, but of course that's impossible. No way am I going to say that. We broke it off. That's final. "There's a couch." I say, gesturing towards the couch.

"What about your parents? Won't they be a little surprised to see someone sleeping on their couch?" He asks me and I roll my eyes.

"Of course they will, that's why I'll be up before them." Alright, I wasn't planning on saying that last part, but I can't take it back now. Kellin nods and we're both silent again.

I start to turn away. "Well, I'm going to go to bed, so I'll see you in the morning." Kellin just nods again. Whatever happened to him, it's really weighing down on him. Kellin was always a bit cocky, and he was very sweet as well. Now he just looks like a hollowed out husk. He's reminding me of me. I turn away and walk into my room, closing the door silently. As soon as it's closed, I collapse on my bed.

What the hell am I going to do? Of all the people who could have shown up on my doorstep, it had to be my ex boyfriend. Why was it so awkward? We never really properly dated, so why did it feel like we couldn't talk to each other properly. Maybe it's just the state Kellin is in. Maybe it's just me feeling guilty again. No, godammit, why did I even let him in the house? I should have just closed the door. Sent him away.

Why am I wanting him to sleep in my bed?

***

I wake up early, like I said I would. I barely slept through the night, because I was stressing too much about the situation at hand. As I pull on some clothes, I think about what I'm going to do with him. He's just here, and I still don't know what's up with him. He better give me that explanation.

I find Kellin in the kitchen. He's texting someone and he has a glass of water in his hand. It doesn't look like he slept at all, and I won't freak on him for going through our cupboards.

"Morning." I say to get his attention. He looks slightly startled as he looks up from the screen of his cell phone. "Who are you texting this early?" Kellin shrugs.

"Justin. He's probably not up, but he said if I'm ever in the area, I should tell him." Kellin answers and sips his water. So he just happens to remember to text his mysterious new friend, but he couldn't find the time to call me? Lord, what am I going to do with this boy? 

For a second, it's just awkward silence, and I can't take it anymore. "Okay, Kellin, let's hear it." I make myself comfortable by sitting on one of the chairs at the kitchen table, making it even more awkward for Kellin.

"What do you want to know?" Oh, Kellin, you sneaky little bastard. Asking me a question in a place of an explanation, how wonderful. I think I must be watching too many cop shows... 

"Everything." I state, and he sighs. It's hurting me how much his actions are resembling mine. He just looks so deflated, so ready to give up. I don't want him to go through as much pain as I did, I don't want him to go through even more pain. 

Kellin sits opposite of me, cradling that stupid glass of water in his hands. He won't even look at me. His voice is barely a whisper as he says, "I went to live with my dad, as you already know. I couldn't stand it there, and my father could barely take me living with him. It was so awkward and tense, and I could barely breathe. So just a month later, my father told me that maybe it was time for me to find my own place. It was his way of kicking me out." Kellin takes a shaky breath in as he continues, "I left, obviously, but I pretty much had no money and nowhere to go. So I lived on the streets for a while, trying to figure out ways of how to make money. In the end, I just got drunk often. It was to keep my mind off of the bad things. I called Matty while drunk one time, because I was in the area. I guess I sort of had this rebound relationship..." He trails off.

I suck in a breath. "With Matty?" I ask, just to clarify.

Kellin nods. "It was so stupid. I sort of forced it on him, but I was so drunk that night. I never even knew he was gay." Kellin laughs bitterly before he keeps talking, "It ruined our friendship. It was basically just sex, and I wasn't thinking clearly. Matty finally stopped it before it got too far and he said to me that if I couldn't find my head, he never wanted to see me again. But fuck it, Vic, he had sex with me. He could have just told me before hand that he didn't want it. Jesus, I never wanted it... But stupid me can't take rejection and loss properly." 

I have the urge to take his hand. I stop myself, because it's not what he needs. He needs to talk this out, and I don't want to make this any worse.

"The funny thing is, the whole entire time I was stuck in this mess, I was thinking about you. I broke it off, and I didn't think I would take it this badly. I thought it would be good for the both of us, and it's clearly done wonders for you." Kellin shakes his head, and I can see that he's tensing up. "I don't know why I even came here. I couldn't go to Matty's, because why in hell would I do that after what I did? I can't just go to Justin, he's a kid and I don't want to throw my problems at him. I don't want to go back to living on the streets. I know I'll end up there because I can't stay here forever." He begins to trail off, because now he's just ranting to himself. 

"Kellin, you can stay as long as you need, okay?" I offer, knowing that I'll have to speak to my parents about this. Hopefully they won't have a problem with it. But hearing what Kellin said makes my heart hurt even more. I can't kick him out now, I'm not that mean. I don't want him to suffer.

"Okay." He says in this voice that makes me think of a sad five year old. He sounds so small and so unlike the Kellin I knew. 

"I'll help you get through this." I say and he looks at me and smiles faintly. I want to kiss him so badly. I want to hold him and kiss him and tell him everything will be okay and I want to be his... boyfriend. But no, no that's not right. We broke up and I'm happy. He doesn't need a relationship right now, because that will only make it worse. I just want to kiss him so badly.

Instead, we sit in silence.