I've Broken Bones For You

Chapter 6

Okay, so this is just another filler. I know, I'm a terrible person for writing all these goddamn fillers. I'm sitting in my hotel in California, and this is just something I quickly wrote on my phone because it's been such a long time since I last wrote something. It's probably really short, I don't really know, so yeah.

***

Chapter 6

My lungs feel like they're filled with chalk. The fumes from the cars passing by doesn't help much with it either. I've been traveling around the city like a lost dog for a day or two; I've lost count. I have no where to go, and I usually end up hiding out in parks, buried in self hate and pity.

I've just gotten worse. Nothing is helping me and to be entirely honest, I'm freaked out. I've never been in this much pain. Usually I find something that I can latch onto, eventually pulling myself up out of the depths. This time, I keep on sinking. I'm absolutely terrified about what lies at the bottom, because truthfully, I never thought I would come to this; sink so low that I can't breathe anymore without it hurting.

I wish I had faced the problem. I broke down maybe, what, once? after my mom left, but that was all. I had someone to hold on to though, someone who cared.

I broke off whatever we had to benefit him, because I knew he would get better without me. Did I even think of myself? To be entirely honest, no. I only thought about him, and how that would make him feel. I didn't give a single thought about how the loss of the only person I had faith in would affect me. I guess that's what love does to a person.

I scroll through the messages from Vic. I didn't even know he still has my phone number. I don't listen to any of them. Hearing his voice just makes it worse. I wonder why I even went to his house in the first place. It didn't help me. Aside from the fact that I had a roof over my head, it never helped my well being. I talked to a therapist in that house as well, so that's saying something.

I kick at a clump of dirt. It's a very sunny day today (which doesn't match my mood whatsoever), and there are plenty of people out, going for walks and stopping in the playground nearby to push their children on the swings. I feel so conspicuous sitting here. I'm not what you would expect on a sunny day in a park filled with happy people. To say the least, I am a disappointment.

I don't know what to do. At first I thought I should try to get some help from somebody but now, I've lost all hope. There's no help for me. Just house jumping and scattered texts that mean nothing.

I close my eyes. I'm exhausted and all this emotional shit has been weighing me down. I lie down, hoping no one notices, and fall asleep.

***

I wake up from my dream on my own terms this time, but my cheeks are sticky, tasting like salt. Was I crying in my sleep? I don't doubt it. The dream I had had would make anyone cry.

It was so happy.

I had lived my life like any regular person, with it's ups and downs. But I stayed strong through it all, and I ended up getting a stable job. Vic had been there, in the dream. So had Jaime, who had gotten married to Jenna. I remember Vic telling me that he would love something like that. He said if he ever got married, he would want it to be simple but sweet. Nothing fancy.

I remember proposing to him.

I can't remember how he said yes, but I do remember a wedding. It was small and simple, just like he said he wanted it to be. His brother, Mike, had been there, along with Jaime and Jenna Preciado. Both of my parents weren't there, but that's how I wanted it to be. Vic was smiling the whole time.

I remember the after math of the marriage. The happiness of it all. Even when we had fought or had problems with money and jobs and incomes, there was always that underlying happiness.

We had eventually adopted a kid. She was so pretty and I loved her so much. I still feel that burning love for my adopted kid even at this moment, as if this whole scenario, this dream, had been real. I can barely remember her name (which is a depressing thought), but I do know it started with a C.

I remember watching her grow up, and watching everyone around us grow up. I grew old with Vic and it was something I never thought I'd love this much. I know now that growing old with someone is something magical, because it means you've gotten through all the bad things in life, side by side.

I remember getting sick in the dream and dying happy. Because my loving husband and daughter with her own little family were there for me until the very end.

And though all of this was a dream I had in a park with now dying sunlight, it still had the power to make me cry. Because it's something I'll never have, never be capable of knowing. It's a life anyone would wish for. Normal.

I scrub my cheeks, wiping away the salty remnants of the happiness I can only find when sleeping. I stare at the sunset, almost smiling at how corny this moment seems. It's like a really corny movie moment, or a scene in a fanfiction.

I still can't believe he said yes.