I've Broken Bones For You

Chapter 9

Sorry it's been so long, school is an assbutt.

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Chapter 9

I want to call him. I haven't spoken to Kellin in a day, and I need to know how he's doing. I wonder if he spoke to Matty and Alex yet...

I wonder if he's thought about what I said.

I've certainly been thinking about it. Lately, it's all I can think about. I tried to bring it up with Jaime, but at that time, my brain was still trying to process the possibility that I do in fact... Love Kellin. It's all a whirlwind inside my head, banging around and making a mess. It's hard for me to figure out but at the same time, it's easy.

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

Isn't that simple enough? My instincts, my heart, seem to think so, but my brain is trying to find any way to deny it.

I'm finding that it's impossible.

I turn off my phone, deciding not to call him. I know that I should, but maybe not now. I'll give it a day or two to settle and then call him. I'll see how he's doing and ask him if he's talked to Matty and Alex yet. I'll try to see if he even remembers what I said to him.

Just not now.

I get up off the couch, which seems to be the place where I usually think about Kellin. I run a hand through my hair, staring at the clock on the wall. Every second ticks by slower each time, and I wonder why.

I walk aimlessly through the house. I have nothing to do. I should probably get my shit together and start up that band, or go to college. Lately though, I've only been focusing on the needs of others. I had a month to myself, and to tell you the truth, I recovered from my depression quite well. I still feel it there from time to time, but I've been okay.

I think, all in all, we've all been sort of okay.

And that's a good thing.

As long as I can count on all my fingers the reasons why everyone is alive, then that makes it a good thing. I'm proud of all of us.

The door suddenly opens, revealing my little brother. He's holding a crumpled up coffee cup and he looks like he just ran a race, wind blown hair and all.

"Mike, when did you start drinking coffee?" Mike has never been into coffee, so why start drinking it now?

Mike shrugs, closing the door behind him as he kicks off his shoes. "I don't know, this morning?"

I take the coffee cup from him as he steps further into the house. "And why exactly are you drinking coffee?" Mike walks into the kitchen and I follow him, throwing the coffee cup away in the process. Mike immediately goes into the fridge and starts searching for something to eat.

"Well I don't know," He turns to me, "Maybe it's because I'm losing sleep over my brother."

"Oh." Is all I say. I didn't know that he's losing sleep over me, didn't know that he's worrying about this that much. It's not that bad, and he really doesn't need to concern himself with my problems.

"Yeah, 'oh'." Mike sighs, "I just want you to be happy you know."

"I am happy." I say a little too quickly.

Mike gives me a look. "Are you? Because ever since Kellin showed up, you've been visibly stressed out. You were recovering and you were fine, but now you're stressed out about something different."

"What do you mean by that?"

Mike takes a sip of water before saying, "You love him, don't you?"

I stare at him for a second too long, processing what he said. I sit down at the kitchen table, because my knees went a little wobbly. Is it that obvious?
I don't want to admit I love him. It's over, he ended it. I never really loved him when we were in a relationship, only liked. But now... Now that I see him in pain, all I want is to be there for him. I want to hold his hand and keep him company, every second of the day. I want him to know that he's not alone. I want to make supper with him, watch cheesy movies with him. I want to go on long walks with him and spend time laughing together. I want to be happy with him, to talk about anything with this boy. Or this man, I should say. I want him to feel loved. I want to be the one who makes him feel that way.

"I..." I stumble over my words. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm just confused? What if.... What if I'm right? Then what do I do? I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. This feeling is stronger than anything, and I know that's so cheesy, but it's true. Honestly, it scares me a little. "Yeah Mike. I love him." I finally say, and as soon as I do, I feel a million times better. It's like getting it out there makes it so much more easier to face.

Mike sighs in relief. "Finally you idiot. I've been waiting for you to say that."

"You have?" I raise my eyebrows.

"Duh. I can see the way you look at him. Even the way you talk about him. It's so obvious you've fallen hard." Mike comes over and sits down across from me. "Now you just have to make him see that."

I look down at the table. "Yeah, see, I might have blurted that out yesterday..."

Mike groans, throwing his arms in the air. "You can't just do that. You need to actually tell him. Like, on purpose. Because the guy is depressed, and I've dealt with depressed people before."

I cringe, "Sorry."

Mike shakes his head, "Nah, it's cool."

I nod, not knowing what to say. I feel so much better, and having Mike on my team makes it a zillion times more bearable.

"You know what you have to do." Mike says.

"What?"

"You have to call him." Mike stands up and grabs my phone.

"Right now?" I squeak as he tosses me my phone.

"Yes now."

I shake my head, putting the phone down. "I can't. He needs his space and I don't know, I'm not-"

"Oh quit it, man. He's had enough space," Mike picks up the phone and forces it into my hands, "And frankly, you need to be a man and tell him right now."

I sigh in defeat. "Fine."

Mike pumps his fist in the air in triumph. "Fucking finally!" I smile, loving his enthusiasm. That encourages me to open my contact list and find Kellin's name.

"Here goes." I mutter as I press the call button.

He picks up on the third ring. "Vic?" I hear the puzzlement in his voice, as if he didn't expect me to call. I take a deep breath.

"When can we meet up?"