I've Broken Bones For You

Chapter 5

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Chapter 5

Kellin's P.O.V.

I must have fallen asleep sitting here because someone is shaking me, rattling me from my dream. I don't even remember falling asleep. I remember staring at the bridge and...

But apparently, that never happened. Maybe it's my subconscious telling me something, but when I hit the water, I was convinced I was dead. I didn't even wake up from the dream. Just waited for someone to pull my soul away from the darkness.

Instead, I've been roughly shaken awake. I'm not very happy about that, but I groan and roll over so that I can see who it is that's kneeling beside me. I am shocked to see that it is no one other than Matty.

No no no no, I don't want anymore confrontations. This is too much. I just want to go back to sleep and dream of the suffocating darkness that comes after falling and hitting the water. But Matty is sitting right here, looking at me with a concerned expression. What the hell is he doing here anyways? And what time is it?

"What do you want?" I sit up so that I can make a quick escape if necessary. I'm not too willing to negotiate today, so that comes out more bitter than I intended.

Matty checks his phone and then turns it towards me, showing me the time. It's 6:00 am in the morning. I've slept out here for that long? I look over Matty, who's sitting there silently. We haven't talked in so long and well... It's sort of an awkward situation.

"I was just driving past when I noticed someone lying out here, so I thought I might as well check up on whoever that was. Turns out it's you, so..." I nod. The awkwardness is stifling and we're outdoors! I'm definitely not liking this chance encounter.

"Are you doing okay?" Matty looks at me, concern still plastered to his face. I don't want to answer, because we're not on the most friendly of terms. It should be me being concerned for him, not the other way around.

"Uh huh, I'm doing just fine." I say, trying to sound casual, but I sound even more strained then before.

Matty gives me a skeptical look. "If you say so..."

"I do say so." I get up, brushing myself off. I really don't want to talk to him.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asks again, which just irritates me as much as it saddens me.

I nod, looking away from him. "Yes, I am absolutely sure."

Matty sighs and gets up as well. "Do you want to talk?" I shove my hands in my pockets, slumping my shoulders. I don't want to be asked this question again. If I talk to him, I'm just going to end up breaking down with guilt and regret. I can't have that, but god am I sorry, and I wish I could tell him that without crumbling in the process.

I shake my head frantically. "No, no I can't. I'm so sorry Matty..." I turn around, trudging up the sloping shore quickly, dragging a hand down my face. A wave of emotion hits me, and I wish I was on good terms with the only friends that I've ever had, but I destroyed that. Now I have no support, no comfort and I'm lost. I'm so, so lost.

"Kellin!" I hear Matty calling after me, but I don't turn around. I just keep on walking until I reach flat ground, where I start running. I wish that dream had been a reality, because I just want to curl up in the corner and cry until I'm nothing but a dried out husk, with no life left to live. I've been beaten down by life too many times over and in the past I've tried to stay strong, but now I've had enough. No one can stop me; tell me that I'll be fine. Because it's all a bunch of lies, composed to make me feel accepted so that I'll smile for their benefit. Because they can't take a depressed kid ruining the pattern of their routine. 

I keep running. Where, I don't know. But I need to get away from Matty, from Alex, Vic, every-fucking-one. I just need out, but not in the way my dream depicted. I need to be alone, where chance encounters won't find me and my ex boyfriend won't look at me as if I am dying. I just don't know where that is. 

I finally slow down, coming to a walk. I pass the The Rock, where a few lazy graffiti artists are spraying loops all over the chipping ink. They ignore me and I ignore them, so it's a win-win situation. I keep on walking, with my head down and hands stuffed into my pockets. I have no idea where I'm going, but I do know where I need to go first.

I need to get my ass out of Vic's house. I have no idea why I even went there. Sure, I'm grateful for them for letting me stay, but I feel awful being there. I can't look at Vic without every bone in my body snapping under the weight of my pain. I don't want to be a burden on him. I never did, and that's why I ended the relationship in the first place.

Like I said, I ruin everything.

I find Vic's house and fumble for the key he lent me. I open the door and let out a sigh of relief when I find that the house is empty. I wonder where they've gone, but then again, it isn't my business to know. I silently walk through the hollow house, afraid that if I make a sound, this serene calm will shatter into chaos. I'm just a whisper, a ghost of the past. I'm not supposed to be here.

I find my stuff by the couch, which I've kept packed just in case an occasion like this popped up. I place the key on the coffee table, staring at it for a few seconds too long before going back to retrieving my things. I run a hand thorugh my hair, slinging my back pack over my shoulders, sucking in a deep breath. I need to get out now, or else I'll never leave. 

I carefully go out the door, shutting it behind me. I'm closing another door in my life; I'm moving on. Jeez, Kellin, it's not the time for puns. 

I find myself walking again. It's like I'm on this never ending trail, where I stray from the path only to find myself walking on it yet again. Sometimes I hate it and sometimes it's the only thing I enjoy. Sometimes I just don'y know where I'm headed. And even though I feel like my shoes are filled with lead and I'm collapsing from the inside out, I keep going, because if I don't, then people will see me fall. I will fall into this swirling storm, and I don't want to be pulverized by the hail. But neither do I want to see the rainbow at the end of the storm.

I still don't know where I'm going. So, I keep on walking.