Goodbye l.s

Chapter 23

Here's I was arguing with Louis. Again...it's like he hates me all the sudden. I'm tired of this. I'm tired in general.
"I'm sorry..." I say looking down at my feet.
"SORRY DOESNT FIX SHIT HARRY! GOD HARRY SOMETIMES I REGRET EVEN THINKING FOR A SECOND THAT YOURE GOOD ENOUGH! YOURE SO FUCKING USELESS!"
"I'll do better..."
"NO YOU WONT HARRY? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK ITS OKAY TO GO BEHIND MY BACK AND TALK ABOUT ME LIKE THAT?!"
"I..."
"YOU SAY IM FUCKING CONTROLLING AND THAT YOURE SCARED OF ME SOMETIMES BUT CLEARLY YOU HAVENT SEEN YOUSELF I MEAN LOOK AT YOU! YOU LOOK AWFUL EVEN ON YOUR GOOD DAYS! WHY DONT YOU JUST DATE ZAYN IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING TO HIM ABOUT ME"
I go silent...that kinda hurt...
"I love you..." I say
"I DONT CARE IF YOU LOVE ME I HATE YOU!"
"Y-you hate me...?"
"OF COURSE I DO EVERYONE DOES AND EVERYONES TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH YOUR WINEY BULLSHIT!"
"Maybe you won't have to anymore then..."
"That'll be the day"
I walk upstairs into my room and lock the door. I cry for hours. My eyes burn and my body feels weak from shaking as I violently sob, but I can't stop.
"Harry? Can I come in?"
"Just a second..."
I attempt to make it seem I haven't been crying and then unlock the door.
"Harry, the boys are gonna come over soon. Are you gonna come down and hang out with us?"
"No thank you..." I say looking at my feet, feeling incapable of looking at him.
"Come down for at least a bit so they don't get worried"
"Okay..."
When the boys arrive I go downstairs for a bit, we watch a movie that Louis picked. The movie is half way through and the main character tries killing themself.
"You should try that" Louis whispers into my ear.
I freeze like actually freeze. I stop breathing and blinking, I can't form words. I just get up and walk back to my room, locking the door once again. Did he really mean it? He probably wishes I died ages ago...I walk into the bathroom and grab something Louis didn't know I had. My oh so familiar 'friend'. I drag it across my arm, I needed something, anything to make my pain go away. I realized how much I was bleeding and how many cuts I had made. Shit...I tried rinsing them out and wrapping them,  but the wrap got soaked in blood in the matter of seconds. Shit! Uhm...fuck!
'I need you come to my bathroom please..now' I text to Zayn.
Moments later I hear a knock on my bathroom door. I open it hesitantly.
"What happened are you okay? Why do you need me?"
I show him my arm slowly.
"HARRY!"
I just look down with tears in my eyes.
"THIS IS REALLY BAD! WE NEED TO TELL LOUIS!"
"No...please stop yelling..."
"Why not Haz...he's your boyfriend!"
"BECAUSE HE'D BE GRATEFUL I DID THIS! HE HATES ME ZAYN HE HATES ME! HE TOLD ME HIMSELF THAT HE DOES! WHEN WE WERE WATCHING THE MOVIE AND THE CHARACTER TRIED KILLING THEMSELF HE TOLD ME I TRY IT! I WANT TO TELL HIM BUT I CANT KEEP MAKING HIM DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS!"
"Oh Haz..." zayn pulls me into a tight hug.
"WHAT THE HELL HARRY?!" Louis is at the doorway.
"SO WHAT ARE YOU SEEING ZAYN BEGIND MY BACK?!"
"No..."
"THEN WHATS GOING ON HERE!"
"Haz...you need to tell him.."
"I can't.."
"Can I then"
"Fine.."
Zayn grabs my arm and shows Louis. He looks furious. Shit! This is all my fault...I overreacted...
"I'll be back..." Louis says before walking outta the door.
"Simon...I can't keep doing this...this kid isn't right in the head...and I'm destroying their relationship. Pretending to be Louis needs to stop.."
WAIT WHAT?!? PRETENDING TO BE LOUIS?!? SO MY LOUIS HASNT BEEN LIVING WITH ME?! Me and zayn look at each other with wide eyes.
"Okay Simon...I don't care how much money you're offering I quit."
"Y-you aren't Louis?"
"No..I'm just a hired actor."
"Oh..."
"I'm sorry about everything..."
"Where's Louis..I want my louis!"
"Eleanors house."
"Zayn take me there please..."
"Okay let's go."
We get there and just walk straight in. Where are they? I walk around to see Louis and Eleanor cuddling.
"L-Louis?" I say tears from earlier coming back.
"Harry!"
I just walk out of the house. I can't do this. He obviously knew what was happening all along.
"HARRY WAIT!" Louis says
"I'm tired of waiting..."
"Please Harry for me..."
"No.."
"Please I love you! I'll explain everything!"
"I'm not so sure I can love you anymore Louis"
"Please just try please"
"I..."
"Louis...because of all the shit he was out through..he did some..things."
"What things?"
"Do you wanna show him?"
"I..."
"Want me to do it for you?..."
I just nod. He pulls up my sleeve and shows it to him.
"Haz..."
"All of this all at once as well..right after the actor playing you told him to kill himself."
I start full on sobbing, latching onto zayn. He just holds me as I cry into his chest.
"Shhh it's okay love. Everything's alright. It wasn't Louis. It was just a stranger."
"B-but Louis had to of known! That wasn't even the first time!"
"The first time what?"
"Nothing it doesn't matter..."
"Haz I think it does..."
"Almost everyday we fought...and almost everyday he told me or clued to me he wished I were dead."
"Oh Haz...nobody wants that."
"Zayn...I let him kiss me! I cheated on louis!"
"Haz you thought it was him!"
"Harry it's okay, you didnt cheat on me"
"I still feel awful..."
"I know love...I know..."
"Louis..maybe we should...break up."
It pained me to even suggest that, my heart physically hurt.
"Haz...baby please don't leave me.."
"I...im sorry"
Louis starts crying. All I wanted was to be held by him in this exact moment. I risk it and hug him tightly. In this moment I knew I truly love him. But it hurt loving him.