Undercover

Chapter 36 ~ Secrets

Life can be a pain sometimes, but much like a wound, the pain is only temporary if you know how to take care of it. Love is very much alike. Love can be this wonderful moment in life wherein everything just seems perfect; then again, it can also be this moment in life wherein you feel as if you are at your lowest point. These things are connected; take one away and now that just seems unbelievable.

Perfection, I once had this mindset that everything perfect is fake. Nothing can be too perfect. If not, why is it the world is filled with so much imperfection? Why can't the world be without poverty or corruption? Maybe it's because it was never meant to be perfect. They say loving someone is like being brainwashed. You feel as if that other person is so perfect and not one single flaw can be detected. I think not. I believe that being in love blinds you from seeing the flaws. Therefore, it is wrong to say "I love you because you are perfect."

Anyways, my life right now is kind of like in the recovering part. I'm not fine, that's for sure; but I'm also sure that I'm not unwell either. I have a doctor, a very good one at that. I didn't have to pay him at all. It was an unspoken agreement to mend each other's wounds and compromise afterwards. And here he is, standing beside me, watching with me, the sun setting.

"Why?" I ask him staring out into space - more like the sky, but that's how the expression goes. He turns to me and smiles. At that moment - that exact moment - I felt as if I was dying. Oh how I missed his smile.

And.. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that all the logic and sense in my brain has been removed by the cute boy standing next to me.

"Why what?" he said. "You've got to be more specific than that. Remember, I am not a mind reader."

I glare at him as he breaks out in a goofy grin. I can't handle how much he affects me, because as hard as I tried, I couldn't keep myself from grinning. I shook my head to remind myself to be serious for a moment.

"Why are you here? Why leave just a letter? Why not tell me in person? Why leave?" I asked. Now that you think of it, all of those questions are hard to interpret from a single "why".

"Beatrice, you know how much I care about you; how much you mean to me. I knew that you had a point, and I was stupid to think that after I left you we could just kiss and make up. I knew what we had meant a lot to you. You've been so strong watching and waiting for me to recognize you. When I came here to find you, I saw how much I hurt you. I couldn't bear to see you like that. After trying and trying, I realized that maybe you want a break, away from me. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to recover from the stupid things I did and just have fun." He breathes a sigh. That's when I noticed the bags under his eyes, or that he hasn't shaved at all since he left. "I knew that if I told you all those things face to face, I wouldn't be able to finish saying everything. I would forget about my mission, and just convince you to love me again. Your forgiveness was not enough for me. I wanted to be able to talk to you like I did when we were young. I now know that it will never happen. I tried so hard to understand how I must gain that back. But you showed no signs of it ever happening again. I was so frustrated and then I knew, by loving each other, we were actually destroying each other. That is when I told myself to stop."

Are you happy now, Beatrice? You've broken him; shattered him into a million tiny pieces. My heart aches for him. He's talked so much about realizing things that I realized how terrible I was to him. I was selfish, I only ever thought about myself. Mom, how in the world could I be like Tris Prior? Maybe in my dreams.

Today, whilst I was with Logan, I saw a pretty butterfly. It was gracefully nested on top of this beautiful flower. And I saw how everything connected with everything. The smallest things can make such a big difference. Imagine a world without butterflies. No butterflies to pollinate flowers and add colors to our surroundings. Don't you think that these flowers might not reproduce? They mean so much to the world. And that would mean no more flowers at some point of time if it continues. Why can't I mean much to the world, then? The world is such a big place. There is higher power than all of us. Before I blab about the creation of the universe and how majestic it was when God created it, I'll tell you my point in all this.