always // lrh

My Letters To You

Letter 1

I got onto the ambulance with you, you were so hurt. Yet you managed to look beautiful. I was crying, I was sobbing, never had I ever sobbed like that in my life. I held onto your hand in the ambulance for dear life whispering “I love you, oh my god I love you” and “don’t you dare leave me”. That was all I managed to say, to you, but I said it over and over.  I kept telling you I didn’t want you to leave, and I loved you so much, over the sound of your mother who was crying as well. I knew you couldn’t hear me and that made me want to cry even louder, but I did not, for the sake of your mother.

They rushed you down the ER. I  did not let your hand go, until they closed those doors in my face. I can’t tell you how it felt Ally. I can’t tell you how it felt to see them plug you to all those machines, pricking you with needles. I didn’t want to see you like that. I didn’t want to see anyone hurting you. Your mom kept hugging me and telling me you were going to be okay, and I kept assuring her you would. I wasn’t lying, I just wasn’t fully convinced.

I sat in those uncomfortable chairs outside your operation room for nine hours, my head in my knees. I kept shaking my head and crying, I was in a state of denial. I kept thinking that I would wake up but every time I peeked through my knees all I saw was a hospital in which you were admitted to and I would cry harder. 

During the last hour of your operation, I kept praying and praying that you’d be okay. That I’d be able to hold you in my arms and tell you I loved you so goddamn much. I wanted you so bad, I needed you. 

The doctor came out- you’re alive. Thank god you’re alive. You’re really damaged though, I didn’t want you to be damaged. You were perfect, you were so perfect. I’m sure you still are, you just need a little healing, right? I’ll be right by your side helping you get through all of this. 

The doctor said you’re in a coma, Ally, do you know how hard this is going to be? I kept asking him for how long but he kept saying “I’m not sure”. Whats that supposed to mean? No. You’re going to get through this, as soon as they let me come in that room I’m going to sing to you, and I’m going to leave you pretty flowers by your bed. I promise I’ll take care of you, I promise I won’t give up on you.

Letter 2

My mom made me go home, where I did nothing but lay awake in my bed and cry. I don’t care how lame that sounds, I cried. I was crying really loud too. There wasn’t anyone around to tell me to stop. I eventually ended up crying myself to sleep. I dreamt of you, and you looked really pretty. I cant quite put my finger on what the dream was, but you felt real. So real that when I woke up and didn’t find you there I started to worry.

I texted the boys what happened, and they came straight away. They let us in since your mom told them we were ‘family’. We all cried before going in and decided we should take turns talking to you. I wasn’t too sure how any of them handled being with you in that room without breaking down. Maybe because they weren’t madly, utterly and heartbreakingly in love with you? It took me a few minutes before I could walk in, but once I did. I sat down and I clung to your hand which was cold. It still felt the same holding your hand, I loved the way you blushed when I intertwined my fingers with yours. I wish you could still blush. I then started talking, and telling you how much you mean to me. i even told you when I first knew I was in love with you.