Closed Doors [#Wattys2016]

Confusion and Comfort

I don't know what to think about Reed's confession of having a crush on me for so long.

I really had no idea; wouldn't have had any idea. And why would I have? He'd never given me any indication of his feelings before, and if he had, I was completely oblivious to them. Apparently, I'm pretty good at being oblivious. Jena and Dylan even tried to tell me, although Dylan was completely off in his assessment of Reed's intentions. How could I not have seen it before? Maybe I just didn't want to see it...

Because now that the proverbial blindfold has been lifted, I can't go back again. I can't ignore it and pretend that I don't know what I do now.

Reed Parker likes me.

Me, of all people.

And I have no idea why. I am truly nothing extraordinary. I am the exact opposite; I'm not even ordinary. I'm somewhere below that. I have nothing to offer, and he has nothing to gain... and yet, he likes me. He wants to know me, wants to be my friend, and I have not one single clue as to why. It makes absolutely no sense at all. None. He is good looking, charming, sweet, and... he could have anyone else. There are so many other prettier girls who are much more worthy of his attention and affection; attention and affection that I fear I can't reciprocate. I just can't. I don't know how and I'm too scared to try. I don't want to lose Reed as a friend, and I don't want to wind up losing this job or screwing it up. Also, I know that he could never understand my life or the way I have to live. We can never have anything more than a platonic relationship. I am flattered, beyond that really, that he feels these... things for me, but I'm not sure what comes next or how I'm supposed to handle it all.

Even more than that, I don't know how to even process the information that it was him who had been leaving me the mystery lunches when I was younger. It feels so unreal, so unbelievable, and yet... it makes sense now that I think of it. The food he left me was mostly from the restaurant: the sugar cookies, cinnamon rolls, bread for the sandwiches; I should have connected the dots sooner. But, at the time, I had so many horrible things going on and stuff to worry about... I never really had a chance to even think about it or question it further. Besides, I know that I probably would have never thought it to be someone like Reed, anyway, who is of a higher social class and never once spoke a word to me before.

I can't help feeling like I owe him; and I do. I owe him a lot for basically saving me and Jena, and he doesn't realize how much. I am so grateful and overwhelmed, but I don't know how to show it or express it.

After lunch, Reed and I make our way to class. I sit in my assigned seat, and he in his. He glances back at me every once in a while and smiles. I smile back, feeling slightly sick to my stomach and lightheaded. I know he says that he doesn't expect more of me than friendship, and I am thankful for that, but I still feel like it's somehow expected of me after all he's admitted and has done for me. I can't give him any more though. I feel strange just thinking of it. I don't like feeling like this; I hate feeling indebted to someone.

During our last hour class, I intentionally arrive late again so I don't have to sit next to him. I just feel even more awkward and uncomfortable about all of this the more the day progresses. I avoid looking in his direction, feeling self-conscious. I can't stop thinking about everything, and I wish more than anything that I could.

I catch a ride with him to pick up Jena, and we head on to the restaurant. I can tell that he's feeling just as weird as I am. He seems really shy and nervous, more so than normal, and isn't saying anything at all. His face is red and he's avoiding looking at me. I think he regrets telling me how he feels, and I don't know what to say or what to do to make him feel better about that. All I can offer him is friendship, and I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him even more uncomfortable by saying that out loud. So I don't say anything.