Closed Doors [#Wattys2016]

About the Birds and the Bees

Chapter 23

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." - Dr. Seuss

As soon as Reed closes the door to the bathroom, I immediately reach for my bra and shirt and put them back on as quickly as I can. My whole body is trembling with adrenaline and my mind is racing in every direction. The longer he takes, the more uncertain I feel about everything that just happened between us. I try to focus on the movie, but I can't concentrate on it. It's all background noise in comparison to my thoughts and the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

When he finally emerges, he silently makes his way around the bed and sits up against the headboard next to me. I don't look over at him, though. I can't look at him. My face is burning with the realization of what we had done. I'm aware that what occurred between us wasn't exactly innocent, expected, or intentional. It was purely instinctual; we just wanted to make each other feel good for the moment. I'm embarrassed and self-conscious when I think about it now, though. I was naked from the waist up in front of him. His mouth was on my breasts. He saw my scars, and even kissed them. And I made all those embarrassing noises and moved my body so intimately against his. I mean, he seemed to like it all and even returned my actions, but maybe he was only being polite? Maybe it made him feel dirty? Maybe he thought I was dirty?

Even so, it's a bit dramatic to suddenly change your pants over something like that. And it's annoying me more and more that he's not making any effort to tell me what happened or why he acted the way he did, or why he cut everything off so abruptly.

"Sorry," he quietly mumbles after a few minutes.

I purse my lips and stare down at my lap as I fidget with the edge of my t-shirt.

"For what? I still don't even know what the hell happened. You haven't told me anything," I reply defensively. "And just so you know, I took a bath earlier today."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm not dirty, Reed despite the nickname I'm called at school! Changing your pants was a bit unnecessary. I assure you, my poverty won't rub off on you and neither will anything else," I blurt in an indignant rush. I roll my eyes, but I still can't bring myself to look in his direction. I haughtily cross my arms over my chest, feeling annoyed and uncomfortable with him staring at me so intently. Even if I can't see him directly, I can feel his eyes burning a hole through me.

"What? That has nothing to do with..." He stops mid-sentence, and I look over at him skeptically. He rubs the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger, and continues in a serious, pointed tone, "You know I would never think any of that."

"I don't know anything at all," I shrug. "Hell, after what just happened between us, I don't even think I know myself anymore. I mean, what was that?"

I take a sudden, deep breath as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "It was amazing, that's what it was. Look... don't go feeling regretful for living in the moment and letting yourself feel good, okay? Maybe I'm wrong, but you seemed to really enjoy it while it was happening... and I know I did. So please don't go over-thinking it or second-guessing yourself."

I nod but I remain silent.

I know he's right, though.

As awkward as it makes me feel when I think of the specifics of what had occurred and how intimate we had been with each other, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy every second of it when it was happening. It made me feel alive and carefree for the first time in a while, and I don't regret it. It might have happened very unexpectedly and rather quickly, but it felt nice for my body to feel pleasure instead of pain for a change.