Closed Doors [#Wattys2016]

An Unexpected Ally

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."

-ee cummings

After class is over and everyone starts to leave, I notice a few girls whisper to each other, and giggle conspiratorially, as they look back at Reed and me. I want to ask what they find so amusing, or what they are saying, but I don't. Instead, I look over at Reed and frown slightly. He's putting his binder into his backpack without a word. His silence bothers me; I feel annoyed that he's brought this attention on me and he hasn't even bothered to explain why yet. He'd never said one word to me in all the years we've been in school, or even acknowledged me really, so what's so different now? I honestly just think he feels sorry for me, and I don't like it. Not one bit. In fact, it needs to end now.

"What game are you trying to play?" I ask bitterly. I glance at him with narrowed eyes, feeling suspicious, and also very curious, of his intentions. People have never been kind to me without there being some sort of ulterior motive... so what's his? How am I going to wind up being hurt in all of this? Is he joking or being real? And if he's being real... why? What's the reason?

He looks over at me in confusion, as if my question has taken him by surprise. "Huh? I'm not playing any game."

"Don't play dumb," I snap. My hands are shaking and my heart feels like it might explode from beating so fast. I don't like confrontation, but I need to know. I'm not going to allow myself to feel happy or excited about this. I won't be weak and believe that he actually wants to be my friend. I know he's only doing this because he feels obligated. "Why are you pretending to be nice to me? You can drop the act."

"I'm not pretending, Danielle." He sounds sincere, and looks so taken aback when he says it, that I almost feel guilty for accusing him otherwise. "You know, not everyone is out to hurt you. Anyway, do I have to have a reason to be nice to you and want to be your friend?"

I sigh and roll my eyes. Yes, I want to say, you do have to have a reason. Otherwise, why risk your reputation? Instead I just tell him, "Yeah right. Look, I might be poor, but I'm not stupid." I feel my face heat up and I look away from him.

"I know you're not stupid," Reed answers calmly. He stands up and places his backpack over his shoulder. I look at him and bite my lip, not really knowing what to say. He smiles slightly, but I keep my face rigid and questioning. "Danielle, have I ever done anything wrong to you? In all these years?"

I let out a long breath and tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear out of nervousness.

"No," I tell him grudgingly. "Not yet anyway." There's a first time for everything though and I'm not about to let my guard down.

"And I never will," he replies softly. I want to believe him, but I have every reason not to. He starts to walk towards the door, but I find I can't just let him walk away after saying that. It doesn't make sense. I feel defensive, even though I know I shouldn't. He's just being nice... and maybe that's the problem. Why?

"But... you've never had a chance to be mean to me. You never talked to me or even noticed me before," I blurt out suddenly, ignoring his sweet words. I know I should just shut my mouth and attempt to accept his kindness. I can't help myself though. I feel so confused and I want some sort of answer; some sort of excuse for his behavior. I need for this to make sense somehow. "So what gives now? What's your reason for all of this? Is it just because of the job? If so, there's no need for it."