Closed Doors [#Wattys2016]

Remember

Chapter 20

Love is not a state, a feeling, a disposition, but an exchange, uneven, fraught with history, with ghosts, with longings that are more or less legible to those who try to see one another with their own faulty vision.

-Judith Butler

"Danielle...?"

I'm brought out of my slumber by a deep, yet quiet voice near my ear. I instantly feel the now familiar ticklish, electric jolt that runs throughout my entire body. I don't open my eyes, though. I pretend I don't hear Reed trying to rouse me, because I don't want to face the day just yet. I want to stay here, in between sleep and awakening, safe and content beneath a blanket, wrapped in warm arms....

As soon as my brain finally catches up with my body and I register all of this, I hold my breath and slightly tense up.

I vaguely remember falling asleep next to Reed with his arm around me, both of us sitting up next to each other. Sometime later, he woke me from a dead sleep, saying something about a crick in his neck and our backs hurting in the morning. I then lay down beside him, and went back to sleep without a second thought or word in reply. I was too tired to dwell on it.

But now? Now my mind is racing the more my consciousness comes back to reality. He has one arm beneath my head and the pillow; the other is draped around me with his hand clasped comfortably within mine, which I've brought up to rest beneath my cheek. I seem to be using the back of his hand as a pillow more than the actual pillow itself. I finally take in a deep breath, inhaling the scent of his skin which is mere inches from my nose. He smells like batter, sugar, nutmeg, and a myriad of spices I can't decipher all on their own, but the mixture of this aroma is delightful and it makes me hungry.

"I know you're awake," he quietly mumbles into the side of my neck. I bring my shoulder up to my ear, trying to get the chills from the vibration of his voice to go away. He snorts and shifts behind me, but doesn't remove his arms or hands from where they are; instead, he embraces me closer to him. And then I feel exactly where his other arm is....

While his hand is tightly entwined within mine under my cheek, his arm is draped around my rib-cage, under my own arm, and rests directly in between my breasts. It's completely unavoidable with the way we are laying, though, and he probably doesn't even realize or think it's a big deal. Even though this closeness makes me feel slightly self-conscious, I'm surprised that I don't mind it at all. In fact, it seems... familiar, as if we've done this many times. I've never in my life been this intimate with anyone before, but I find that it's kind of nice; even a little thrilling.

I suddenly feel his soft, warm lips gracefully starting to plant tiny kisses along my neck. My heartbeat quickens and I bite my lip to keep any embarrassing sounds from escaping my mouth. I close my eyes tightly, blocking out the world around me and sink into the feeling of my own body. I know I probably shouldn't let Reed do this, and I probably shouldn't let myself enjoy it or get used to it. But I'm powerless to stop it; my body won't let me. It feels too good, impossibly good, and I never want this to end.

"Danielle?" Reed whispers, his lips still lingering on the sensitive flesh of my neck. A powerful chill runs down my body and, though my skin breaks out into goose-bumps, I feel feverish. Biting my lip does no good to prevent the involuntary throaty sigh that escapes me. I hear Reed take in a deep, ragged breath from behind me, as if my reaction has taken him by surprise. He quickly leans back, putting a small distance between our bodies.

I know that he's perfectly aware that I'm awake now, and I'm a bit mortified at my complete lack of composure. I open an eye and peek over at the restaurant windows; I notice that the first ray of sunlight hasn't even reached the sky yet.