Closed Doors [#Wattys2016]

Maybe

"I want to taste and glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of non-feeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love."

-Sylvia Plath

Reed leans down and picks up a green blanket that I'm guessing had fallen off of him as a result of his night terrors. He hands me a corner of it, which I take and bring the material up over my chest, tucking it in behind my shoulder. I instantly feel more secure with my body being mostly covered by the blanket. Reed does the same, and then I feel his hand envelop my own beneath the dark confines of the cover. He entwines our fingers together, lightly running his thumb over the top of mine.

My whole body starts to shiver, but it has nothing to do with the temperature of the room.

Reed turns to me with a small smile on his face, "You're shaking. Are you cold? I can get another blanket-"

"No," I reply quickly and quietly, shaking my head. "I'm not cold. This is fine. I'm okay." Although honestly, I feel like my heart might explode out of my chest at any moment.

He gives my hand a gentle squeeze and shyly whispers, "Is this making you uncomfortable?"

I'm silent for a moment. I don't know how I feel, really. I'm nervous, that much is apparent; my body isn't keeping that a secret. But is it making me uncomfortable? Do I want Reed to stop holding my hand? Do I not like it?

"No," I finally answer. "This is all just... new for me." I really don't know how else to explain it.

Reed chuckles lightly and nods his head in understanding.

"I know what you mean. It is for me, too."

I roll my eyes and sigh, "Yeah, I doubt it. You've had girlfriends before and I'm sure you've held their hand, too. This is hardly new for you." It comes out a little more bitterly than I had intended. Great, he probably thinks I'm jealous now... which I certainly am not. I'm only stating a fact.

"What are you...?" Reed seems confused as he turns fully towards me. I look back at him, attempting to keep my face void of any emotion. He raises an eyebrow in question. "Who are these girls? I'd really like to meet them."

I bite my lip and look away. I don't know how to answer so I just shrug. I feel stupid for even saying anything. It's none of my business who Reed has dated or held hands with or kissed, even. I find that I don't really want to know, anyway. I don't know why I brought it up in the first place.

"Danielle," he tells me in a lighter, timid voice, "I... I haven't had a girl interested in me since before my leg was amputated. That happened when I was thirteen. I've never had what you'd call a real girlfriend."

Even though he sounds and appears to be sincere, I find it a little hard to believe that he's never had a girlfriend. He's probably just saying that to make me feel more comfortable and "normal" for not ever having a boyfriend before. I know he's making an attempt to relate to me, and trying to me make me not feel so silly and inexperienced, but I don't like it. I don't like being lied to.

"Look, you don't have to lie to me, okay? I don't care whether or not-"

"I'm really not lying," Reed answers quickly and seriously. I look over at him again. He shrugs and glances away from me as if he's embarrassed by his admission. "Between school and working here in the evenings, when would I even have time for one? Anyway, plenty of girls feel sorry for me, but not enough to want to date someone without a leg."