“FREDDY IS NOT GASSY,” yelled Freddy.
“WHAT YOU DARE SAY?” yelled the lady working on the next ship.
“Oh, nothing,” Freddy muttered. The lady took that as an answer. Freddy was surprised at how much he could get away with here. At the police job, he always had to be on his toes and keep from getting in trouble. It was no big deal. Finally, Freddy got out of work.
He checked his pockets and he had the officer police helicopter in his pocket. So he started driving home in that. It was seriously not a problem. Everything would be okay.
*****
“Freddy is not GASSY!” yelled Johnson.
“Who’s Freddy?” gasped his assistant at the job.
“NONAYOBUSINESS,” quipped Johnson.
“Okay, never mind, I was just asking a question. How come you’re wearing no shirt and polka-dot pants? And how come you’re riding in that helicopter? That’s not yours?”
Johnson realized that was Freddy’s helicopter. He needed a new one.
“I need to get a new helicopter,” he said.
“Well, fingerprint your pinky finger,” she asked.
He put his fingerprint on the sheet of paper and a new helicopter was enabled.
“This is yours now,” she said.
“What’s going to happen to the old helicopter?” Johnson asked.
“It’s gonna stop working.”
*****
Freddy was riding his good ‘ol police pocket helicopter he was used to flying. Suddenly, it stopped working, and he fell out of it.
Oh snap. He was falling, and he was falling hard. He started stretching out his wings and flapping them. He flapped and flapped. Finally he flew to a tree and perched on IT.
He realized that he never knew he had these bird powers. But he had them, and now he had to put them to the test.
He had to fly all the way back to his house. Could he make it? That was the question, and he wasn’t sure of the answer.
*****
Johnson flew back to his old house and stared at it for a long while. He sighed and got out his glasses, and thought, “Where it Johnson’s house?”
“Johnson’s house is that way,” said the glasses.
And the glasses pointed him in the direction of Johnson’s house.
“Thanks, magic glasses,” said Johnson. And him and his helicopter flew and flew and flew. Everything was gonna be all right, right? It turned out that it wasn’t gonna be, and he would find out as soon as he opened the door.
*****
Freddy had never flown before today, besides in the helicopter. This was gonna be his moment.
He opened his wings to fly, and flew.
He stumbled, and then he got up again. He flew some more.
This was getting really difficult. He was getting really tired. He got really really tired. He didn’t know what to do, so he kept on flying. After a while, he couldn’t take it no more and had to rest.
So he perched on top of the supermarket where his father worked. He didn’t know that was where his father worked yet, but he was about to find out. Maybe IT would be okay to get some food here before going home.
He walked into the store, and was about to get a rude awakening.
*****
Johnson tried to fly without the helicopter for a while. It didn’t work, he didn’t have any wings any more, so he had to use the helicopter. This was a shame. There was nothing he wanted to do more than to fly naturally, and nothing was stopping himself now except everything. IT really bothered him.
Johnson got back on the helicopter and flew. He passed by several crime scenes, but he always avoided those when he was going to the supermarket, so IT was no big problem. He ignored them and flew and flew in the helicopter towards Johnson’s house.
When he got there, he opened the door and…
*****
Freddy had gotten really busy, apparently, because when Freddy opened the door to the supermarket, out came a million or so scared customers. Freddy was scared. He walked in.
“Everybody,” he yelled at eh employees, “I see a million scared customers walking out the store. What’s wrong?”
“The question is really, how come they all fit in here? That’s too many customers, and I really hate it,” said the cashier as a masked gunman stole all the big cash out of the first register.
“OH *BLEEP*!” said Freddy. “There’s a masked gunman stole all the big cash out of the first register!”
“Oh, no big deal,” said the cashier. “This store doesn’t pay me enough anyway. Everybody else gets paid three times as much as I get paid per time amount.”
“That’s because you actually don’t care about people robbing our store,” said the manager as the manager grabbed himself a candy bar he had stolen himself.
Freddy got mad.
“In the name of the law, stop stealing!” And he attacked the manager.
Freddy’s dad walked in.
“Freddy, what’s going on?”
“Yeah, Freddy, what’s going on? And why did you quit?” asked the manager.
“Are you my daddy?”
“Yes, I’m your daddy,” said dad. “Now you need to get some serious business straightened out here, or you’re gonna have some serious problems.”
“I think I need to call in the police!”
“Right, and they’ll put YOU in jail for disturbing the peace!” said the robbers.
“That’s right!” said the cashier.
“Now that’s the spirit!” said the manager. “I’m giving you a raise!”
Freddy didn’t believe them. So he called the police, and he went to jail.
*****
Johnson opened the door to the house and he saw inside the house that there were a bunch of beer bottles everywhere. Oh *BLEEP*. Johnson was an alcoholic. He felt weak and he fell to the floor, longing, desiring, wanting the alcohol. He couldn’t fly any more. He reached for a beer bottle and started chugging. Suddenly he got a call from somebody.
“Hello?” he asked.
“This is your assistant, Emily. We have a prisoner who would like to speak to you.”
Johnson had only started getting drunk but he needed to speak to whoever IT was, so he stepped in the helicopter to investigate.
YOU ARE READING
Freddy is not GASSY
HumorThis story nearly follows to the ending of Freddy's life as he tries to sort through the problems he has in his strange, strange world.
