My therapist has recommended that I start journaling again, so I thought who better to share my everyday struggles with than the people who help me through them?
So, this one is for my fabulous chosen family.
I don't even know how to start this today... it's officially four days until what would be my third wedding anniversary, and as I feel okay physically... mentally and emotionally, I'm not okay. Not even a little bit...
I know I inform y'all when my ex sends me emails, because it's the only way he can get a hold of me, and I play it off as if it's nothing.... The things contained in those emails is something that I won't share, because I'm afraid it'll trigger something in someone else...
They're very... flip-flop and manipulative... Making me feel one way, and then another... Making me feel like I'm either everything or nothing at all... This last one was sent to me an hour ago, stating that HE forgives ME for everything that's happened, as if I could have done so much better, given him more...
Our anniversary would be on the fifth of this month, and he felt the need to tell me how I ruined this holiday for him, but that he forgives me and still loves me...
I just wanted out, y'all... I left, I thought I was free from all this shame and constant being put down, saying I could do so much better if I just try.... I do try, I do... I work six days a week, always over 50 hours a week...
I don't ever think it will be enough, I will always believe that I could do more, and that I'm never doing it the best I can... To say that my belief in myself has shriveled down to nothing, is accurate...
I'm just a work in progress, y'all.... Honestly. It's half the reason I don't understand how you think I'm so great, when I feel like I could be so much more.
I should sleep before work tonight. I get to work in the coolers, so I'm happy about that, kinda. No one had done anything to them all day last I checked an hour ago, so that'll be more for me to do this weekend. Plus the alcohol cooler is filled to the brim for the 4th of a July weekend, so that's my problem too today. So, cheers....
Also, since the secret is out and y'all know. I'm gonna attach a picture of my tiny human. His name is Logan, he's 2 years old, and he's my best friend....
All my love... -Nic
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