Day Forty Three

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September 2, 2022

Darlings,

It's been a long while since I've written anything in here, and not because I've forgotten about it, but because I've been exhausted, and half the shit going on in my life is just repetitive and I don't want to bother with it anymore.

Let's see... I've switched to four ten hour days a week at work, that way I could get three days off a week. And it's not like I rest on any of those days, no. I have a toddler who is very dependent on me and requires 99.99% of my attention.

A couple weeks ago we had a funeral for my cousin, this week on Wednesday we had a funeral for our great uncle, and then a friend of mine from high school passed away yesterday from cancer, but the guy who r@ped me will more than likely be around as they were good "friends", so I can't bring myself to go to her visitation or funeral...

It just... it feels like everything around me is just... falling apart and I can't catch my breath. My chest constantly feels like it's on fire, I have psychogenic tremors from the amount of anxiety I have through the day. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears, but if I cry I don't think I'll ever be able to stop.. I am extremely over stimulated and overwhelmed. I'm irritable more than usual, and I have a hard time focusing on anything. 

I'm constantly disassociating, no matter the setting... I feel like I am backtracking into a dark place in my mental state, and the idea of it scares me...

I am finding it harder and harder to keep a smile on my face every single day, but I never want to talk about it... I don't want any of this to be real.. I don't want to fight all of this anymore.

I am exhausted...

All my love,
-Nic

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