Let's Chat, Shall We

Day Twenty-Four

September 13, 2021

Loves,

Hi babes... I'm not sure what to make of this entry, but I'll try my best. I'm sorry if it's not rainbows and happiness, I just haven't been feeling it this last week and a half...

Mentally and emotionally, I have been on the rocks... I didn't post about my loss like Lizzie and Ethan because it felt so surreal to me, and I didn't want to believe it. I still don't want to believe it...

Over this last week, life has really been hitting me differently, and I've never felt so tired of fighting. I can put on a face better than I should be able to because of what I went through the last three years, so I don't ever have to really explain myself when question of "what's wrong" comes about. I don't want to talk about what's wrong half the time.

What's wrong is that I'm ready for my divorce to be final so I can finally feel like I have freedom in my life, I miss Ollie more than I've missed anyone in a really long time, I'm a single mom working third shift, about to move into my own house to raise my son alone. My son's "father" asked me two weeks ago if we could get together so he could see him after two and a half years of his existence, and then hasn't contacted me since. I'm never in the mood to eat, I do not drink water daily, I sleep maybe an average of 3, maybe if I'm lucky 4 hours a day. I work six days a week, and I can never seem to catch a break.

The list honestly goes on, and I'm not even going to lie to y'all... everyday is getting harder for me... everyday I feel myself just taking one step closer to the edge...

Now, before you get all "she has a baby, how can she say that??" Let me just tell you, it's because of my son that they aren't two steps closer to the edge. I love my son more than anyone in this world (besides maybe God m, and that's a big maybe), and I'm doing everything I can to keep my own head above water so he doesn't look at me and ever think less of me.

Two is a very difficult age to parent alone, and granted, I have my parents that are helping me, but with my work and sleep schedule, he doesn't get all the attention from me that he truly deserves, and I can just feel it. It breaks my heart, and he acts out to get my attention, which in turn is very frustrating, and I get over stimulated and sometimes I yell or cry.

This is not something I ever imagined that I would go through alone, and no one prepared me for it... I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I sure as hell have no idea what my purpose is in this world.

I cannot stress to you all enough just how thankful I am that you exist, and how grateful I am that you're in my life... I've said it before and I'll say it time and time again... without you all, the chances of me still being here are very slim... So, thank you for being my rock, and thank you for talking to me every single day...

I feel like I have so much more to say, but I don't really have the energy for it, so...

All my love,
-Nic