Let's Chat, Shall We

Day Five

July 5, 2021

Hiya Babes,

I didn't post yesterday because it was the 4th, and also my only day off, so I went out and did something with my life. Went to Six Flags with my tiny human and walked around, watched fireworks from the back of our truck, drove around some and just hung out.

Today, today is hitting me a little differently.... Three years ago today, I was walking down an aisle to get married to someone I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that was supposed to make me feel safe from the world, who was supposed to love me and only me for the rest of our lives...

Instead, the world made me feel safe from him, my love for him lasted only a year, maybe less, because of all the things I was put through in the beginning. I haven't brought myself to cry over the ending yet, because I'm happy it's over, but it's still a different day for me.

This is when I started losing weight, because I was afraid to eat too much. When I stopped sleeping 8 hours a night because I didn't want to sleep too much. I stopped working because I didn't want to work too much... I didn't want to be too much. It's when loud noises started to startle me, when I quit speaking out. When I started to shut down.

Today, loud noises still startle me unless I know they're coming, it's nearly impossible for me to get decent sleep. I hate hugs unless I ask for them, affection makes me uncomfortable, cuddling is questionable. I've found one person that I can cuddle with that doesn't make me want to cry or shower right afterwards. I don't like physical touch, and personal space is everything to me unless it's my own child in my space.

I keep telling myself that I will not cry today, and I'm trying so so hard to not to because he's not worth it, but today is just really hard for me. I'm meant to be sleeping, but between my nieces releasing our goats, and just the reality of today.... I might be going to work with very little sleep... Which is fine.

I wish I had more happy about today, but I just don't. I'm sorry...

All my love....
-Nic