Let's Chat, Shall We

Day Twelve

July 20, 2021

Loves,

Hi... It's honestly been a long couple days for me... I'm not sure how to explain it, but I'll do my very best...

So, as most y'all know, I have five nieces and a nephew, a majority of them the same age as most of y'all.

My nephew, Micah, is now 17 and has graduated high school.

My oldest niece Jo, she's turning 15 tomorrow.
Beth, she's 14.
Rian, she's 12.
Gwen, she's 6.
And Luna, she's 4.

Micah and Jo live with their parents, Beth lives with her dad, Rian and Gwen live here with my mom and dad, and Luna lives with her Aunt... let me lay out this family tree real quick... might just post a picture, hang on—

Scratch that, it wouldn't make sense...

Jo and Micah have different parents, Micah's dad has been with my sister for 13 years, so he's my honorary nephew and calls me Aunt Nic. 

The other girls have the same mom, but only Rian and Gwen have the same dad, who just got out of prison...

Anyway, my sister lost her girls three and a half years ago for making choices she shouldn't have, and has been told how to get them back, yet does nothing. So, my twelve and six year old nieces have major abandonment issues, and the constant feeling that everything is their fault and that they're never enough...

I cannot tell y'all how badly I resent my sister for making them feel this way, and hearing that my twelve year old niece has attempted suicide twice, and has said she would happily die if someone offered to kill her...

I dunno, y'all... it's just been on my mind lately that life is so different from when I was younger... The things I want to protect my son from, and show him a love that I didn't have as a child from my own mom because she preferred to switch around men and do drugs, that she doesn't even remember. Being in and out of foster care until I was in the sixth grade. The only constant love I had ever gotten being from my best friend's parents...

I wish I could just pick up every last one of you that are going through some real hard times right now and just hug you so tight that when someone says "it's going to be alright" that the sentence alone is something to hold on to.

I talk to people here and there that need to hear those words and feel them, but when I tell them that it's going to be okay, they say "you don't know that", when in reality, I do know that.

I've had the toxic parents, the worst part is that my mother doesn't remember any of it because she was always on something when things happened. I've done the self harm, and I still find it weighing on my mind from time to time. I've attempted suicide a number of times, but I am still here.

I know people believe that a child should bring you happiness, and they do, believe me. I would not change my son for anything in the world, he's my rock... but I'm not happy all the time. I still have bouts of thoughts that he would be so much better if I left him with my mom, who has overcome so much and now raises my two nieces who I consider more like my little sisters at this point.

My son brings me happiness, but a child also brings an overwhelming amount of responsibility, and at times frustration. Alone time is never an option anymore and you get overworked and under-slept. People expect more out of you, and the world is watching you, waiting for you to mess up, and the moment you mess up once, all the good things you did before... they disappear...

I don't know where I was going with this entry, but this is what my brain looks like today. One hundred different directions all at once...

All my love,
-Nic