Let's Chat, Shall We

Day Twenty Five

September 22, 2021

This entry isn't going to be anything you want to read, but if you choose to, thanks? I guess... I honestly might delete it, but I don't know yet...

Bryce,

I said goodbye to you today, and I know you used to tell me all the time that my hardest days are yet to come, but let me tell you... I don't think there will be days harder than these last ones... You took the warmth of the sunshine with you, and the days have been a little colder, but I've taken a couple of your sweaters to make up for it...

Remember when we went to Grandpa's viewing? You said "just think of all the hard work grandpa has done, he's finally able to rest knowing that everything is okay." And so I try to remind myself of all the things you've done in all our twenty-seven years, and I tried to see you finally getting the rest that you deserve, but damn it...

To be honest with you, when I saw you... I didn't know what to say, what to feel or even what to think... I stopped a couple feet away from you and I just stared at you, holding my breath to see if I could see the rising and falling of your chest, but it never came... it was in that moment that I knew this was real. This is happening whether we're ready or not...

So, I want to start with an apology... for the last three years I've been scared to leave a toxic environment and too ashamed to admit that I needed help out that I turned you away at every offer, afraid of what could happen. I wasn't entirely there for you when I should have been, like we always promised we would be, and I robbed us of three years of togetherness because of it. For that, I am sorry.

More than anything, I want to thank you for being my best friend from birth to even today. Thank you for always bringing the brighter side of things to light for me when I didn't have any hope. Thank you for making me laugh every single day with your stupid questions and unnecessary fun facts, your obsession with Claire Holt and Ian Somerhalder. Thank you for bringing the meaning of a family man back into a world of men who want things handed to them with no respect for women.

You're a damn good brother and an amazing friend... Paul made a joke earlier, reminding me that we used to pick on you and Ollie for being so close, "he never could go more than a week and a half without the guy."

We know you both have each other, and we know that both of you are okay, but saying goodbye just... I'm not ready to let you go, Bry... none of us are...

I love you like biscuits and gravy, Bryson Gabriel...

All my love, always...
-Nicki...