Let's Chat, Shall We

Day Forty-One

December 16, 2021

(I'm very aware it's not the 16th anymore, but that's when I started this)

Loves,

I hope you're all ready for a story time, because I'm in my feels and I'd like you to hear about it.

It was the winter after we graduated high school that I heard about Winter Jam for the first time. For those that have no idea what Winter Jam is, it's a giant concert with multiple Christian artists that tour throughout the US.

Anyway, I had fallen off my path in faith—

This entire story time is going to religious, so either don't read it if it's not for you, or keep all negative comments to yourself. (With love of course)

I fell off my faith walk path when I lost my friend after middle school. Yeah, I went to church in high school, attended my youth group every Wednesday night. I had someone nagging me constantly to get out of bed and go every week.

We started talking about going to this "Winter Jam" concert, and I told them I really didn't want to go. I didn't, I wanted to stay home in my bed, soaking up my sorrow and my self hate, but Bryce wouldn't allow that. He had our youth leader purchase a ticket for me, and convinced to go at the last possible minute to go.

The experience was amazing, and I'll never forget. The last band that played is a band called "for King & Country", and their performance brought me to my knees. Literally.

My high school career was a long one. It wasn't all terrible, the last two years were even the easiest, but I went through so many heartbreaks and hardships that I gave up. Nothing mattered anymore.

They played a song called "It's Not Over Yet" followed by a song called "Priceless", those two songs brought a beat back into my heart that had been gone for so long.

We're going to fast forward to 2018, they released a song called "Burn the Ships". 

Now, July of 2018, I got married and about three months later the entire marriage was not what I thought it was and everything was a lie. I fell off my walk with faith, and lost all interest in everything again. I was completely thrown back to the old me. Someone I didn't want to be, but I stayed because he would always preach "God's word" and "God's way". That my body was his temple and that God demanded to women they serve their men and please them whenever he wants. My body wasn't my own.

He fell in love with another woman and demanded I let her stay, that God says "be fruitful and multiply", which, yes he does, but I don't think he meant it in that exact context. I denied that woman for a long while until he told me it was either he leaves or she stays, all while putting his fist through the wall of my apartment because I'd choose he would leave. The fear in my heart let her stay.

For two years I pretended I was happy in the public and around him. Alone, I would cry and hide myself away from him to have emotions and feelings of my own. I remember the day I heard this song, I was in the shower, listening to Spotify and this song comes on. "Burn the Ships"

In the song it says "flush the pills, face your fears, and feel the weight disappear." And that stuck with me because sat on the counter was a bottle of pills that always caught my eye, just thinking, "this could all be over, Nic, but what about Logan." So when I got out of the shower I flushed that entire bottle of pills.

From that day forward I swore to myself that one day... one day I'll free my son and myself from this toxicity.

Bring you now to this year, my best friend in the whole world and I were supposed to go and see this band. For King & Country. We just were waiting and waiting for the tickets to be on sale, to get the best seats we could possibly get. And then the whole world shifted on the 20th of September when he was taken from the world.

I put the concert behind me, it was no question that I wasn't going to go. I couldn't. How dare I go see the people who keep bringing me back to my walk in faith without the one who always did their best to bring me back? The one who saved me.

About a week or two before the concert I heard more and more about it on the radio and that "more tickets are available" and I sat on it, but it was just about every other commercial. There was a pull in my heart to buy two tickets, and so I did. One for me and one for him. I found someone to go with, who ended up not being available, so just as planned, I went alone.

On the way there, I was just imagining our excitement and the conversation we'd be having on the way. When I got there and walked into the building it all flooded in that this was really happening. They were really here and he wasn't. The whole way to my seat, I was in tears.

The moment Joel and Luke stepped onto the stage, my heart felt open again and I just felt arms wrap around me, and it opened up every wall and emotion I had held in for the last three months. I was brought to my knees for a second time by this band. The love they wrap around you with the words they sing, the words they speak.... It's not like anything I've ever witnessed at any other concert or event I've attended.

It was the love of God that they showed me, and continue to show every day of their lives, and I thank them every day, and I thank God every day for being dragged out of bed all those years ago, embracing their love and his love.

I feel like I could say so much more about these people, but no amount of words could express how grateful I am for them and how thankful I am to still be here to witness their love for God and for all his people.

All my love,
-Nic

P.s. I understand that Christianity and God aren't for everyone, but I won't apologize for my beliefs. I will stand strong in my faith and beside God. I won't push it on you, but if you have questions, I won't turn you away.