Alternatives // Loki FF

【𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐗】

When I woke again, Loki was gone and I was left alone in the cold sled. A blanket was wrapped around my body and my head was laying on a pillow instead of Lokis chest. I slowly sat back up and rubbed my eyes. "Loki?", I asked, as if Loki could hear me over the storm that was going on outside of the thick doors. Did he leave me alone? He promised to keep me safe and not to leave me and I trusted him, but he was Loki after all, the God of Mischief and Lies and he had proven his untrustworthiness often enough.

I mentally cussed for letting myself think for even one second that Loki had gone soft and we could be friends. I never thought I would be able to feel safe in a mans company or even in a mans arms ever again, but I did. It was the most ironic thing that I felt safe in Lokis arms, especially after everything that had happened. During the last days or maybe even weeks, he was the only person I could talk to and yes, we did fight and insulted each other most of the time but there were peaceful moments, too. Moments, where we were sitting on the couch, warming ourselves on the fireplace and talked about our plan. Moments, where we were peacefully sleeping in the same bed without killing or wanting to kill the other. Moments, where Loki showed me even the slightest sign of emotions and even moments, where I showed him a part of my true self. 

When one has never been in such a situation, one won't think this possible, but I, who has experienced this myself, I got proven that it was possible. It was possible to have hope in a situation, where there seems to be no hope. It was possible to trust a person, who one could not trust, to feel safe in the company of an unsafe person, to be calm in the most exciting of moments, to survive, when your body can't seem to take it anymore and to like someone, who doesn't want to be liked. When you spend an unknown period of time with one and the same person, it is possible to forgive unforgivable things. Loki was a difficult person and in the end he might betray and never think of me again, but I was never the kind of person to give up without trying. Behind this fearsome God and King, that Loki was, there was a broken boy, seeking for something I did not know what. But my intention was to get to know this man with his every flaws, even if that meant to get abandoned myself, eventually. We had spent enough time together for me to see that there was, as I had expected, another side of him. Loki was not only cruel, rude, arrogant and craving power. He could be kind, passionate, as I have found out when we were talking about poetry, and I remembered the time he mentioned his mother, Frigga, right before Laufeyson was back. He was hurt and whenever he showed it, he hid it a few seconds later again. Whenever he was kind to me and I started to see this good side of him, he was being horribly distant and harsh again to make me forget that there was this other side. And now I found myself sitting in a freezing sled during a snow storm on the planet of the frost giants, wanting to be in the company of this very person, that had dragged me into all of this because of his selfishness, that had hurt and protected me, made me want to cry, made me feel so much hatred and anger as I had never felt before but made me feel the need to understand him as I never felt the need with another person before. And now that I was sitting, where I sat, thinking, what I thought, I realized how surreal that was. Before this had happened, I would have scoffed at the person I had become in this short of a time and thought how pathetic one must be to feel what I felt and to feel the need to understand the person, that I had called the living definition of a paradox, a person that one could not understand. Or could one?

The sled came to an halt and I opened the door to see where I was at and to hopefully find Loki before a giant found me. The snow reached my knees and I must have looked incredibly amusing, as I tumbled through the white, fluffy substance, trying not to lose my balance. I had difficulty seeing through the storm. "I want to reach it before the next sunset, have I made myself clear?", I heard Lokis demanding voice over the howling wind. I could see the silhouette of him and made my way over to him. He turned around, possibly because he heard the snow hardening as soon as I stepped on it and his features turned into anger. "What are you doing here?", he asked, as if it was unbelievable to him. "I was looking for you and I needed to walk a bit. My feet were getting sleepy." He rolled his eyes and said something in another language to one of the few servants he wanted to accompany us before he turned back to me. "Come with me."