𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐂 ❶

𝟏𝟏. ✭ 𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐈 ✭

Once I'm in the bathroom I close the door behind me and lock it. The sobs wrack their way soundless and silent through my body, my limbs twitching and shaking with them. I even cover my mouth to stop the full-on wail that wants to tear it's way out of my lungs. I can't let Torey know how upset I am, the protective man that he is would want to pry the reasoning out of me, I'm sure of it.

Tucker... Brooks had watched me the entire time I was in Seattle. At first the reality of that statement didn't sink in. It's definitely sank in now especially after seeing the saddened look in his eyes when I'd asked him. That look had told me he knows. He knows. Because he can't not know.

My back slides down against the door until I'm sitting on the cold, tiled floor. I close my eyes and see a visual that will never leave me, not in a million years. I see those big, bright blue eyes and a head full of the darkest hair. A tiny little version of myself and the larger of the two men on the other side of this door. Our son being handed over to another couple.

I'd had only a few moments with our baby before I'd handed him over to a new life; a better life. A life that wasn't going to be filled with poverty. One that didn't involve crime, blood, and death. He would never know the risk of just carrying a family name— because he would never know it.

Brooks had watched the entire time. He knows all about it. He knows I gave my child away. He knows the self-torment that'd ensued after. That guilt had nearly eaten me alive. Those excruciatingly empty days that'd followed were nearly unbearable. He'd watched me through all of that until he no longer could.

In truth, after I'd given the baby away, I'd never felt more hollow in my entire life. The only thing that kept me from completely loathing everything after I had left New York had been that little life inside of me. I'd lived in a bug-infested apartment. The weather was cold, rainy— much like how I felt inside. Then there was the fact that I'd left my entire family and a man I thought loved me, one I thought I loved as well. I forgot about all of that when that little life had been swimming around inside of me.

And then I'd given it away.

No. I let him have a better life, a brighter future.

My mind goes to earlier this evening when I'd actually seen Torey and not just a mental visual I thought I'd created. I'd often done that when I was pregnant— thought of him coming to be with me, leaving the life he'd made with my father for me. I'd pictured us having a family together. But a man like Torey isn't made for fatherhood and he had never came to find me, regardless of that fact.

Our baby is someone else's now. I gave them the opportunity to give my child a family, a proper one. Not one that could get him killed. He belongs to a wealthy older couple who can no longer have children. He'll have a better life than if he had stayed with me. A rich and full life. It will never be tainted by the sins of my father. The entire situation happening right now reiterates that I'd made the right decision.

So I need to stop being so damn sad about it.

I let out a few deep exhales before picking myself back up again. I wash my face with freezing cold water, trying to reduce some of the swelling that came with a good hard cry. When my gaze meets it's own in the mirror in front of me I blink slowly. The woman staring back at me isn't one I recognize. She hasn't been for a while.

Maybe one day I'll know who I am again. One can only hope.

There's a knock at the door which has me turning to face it. I unlock and open it, seeing Brooks on the other side. His eyes scan over me, like there would be any physical sign of the turmoil going on inside of me. My eyes do much of the same, looking over him but not in the same manner. No, I see him as an entirely different person now.