The Closer I Get to You

3

Beyoncé

I've been in love with Nicki since we were younger.

When she arrived to my school, I was in a state of shock and completely out of it at the same time. I took a few hits of something new Zendaya gave me, so the whole time I was convinced she was a hallucination for the rest of the school day and disregarded her only to find she's very real, very developed, and attending the same school as me.

It feels absolutely weird to see her after a gap in our interactions. I'm never in the present moment to really even process her whenever we see each other at lunch. As a matter of fact, it doesn't feel weird, it feel very shitty.

I hate that I can't go more than a few hours without a fix due to my way of band-aiding my home issues. I'm not proud, neither are my friends, but I don't know how to stay sober. I've disappointed them time and time again after every relapse.

I feel guilty because I see and note the looks of disappointment in my friends' faces after every eye roll. Everyone but Zendaya stopped saving face for me ages ago. I hate the anger and irritability that emerges whenever I'm high. It pulls the sweetness out and away from me. After every high, I want to go back and scramble to apologize but it doesn't work like that/ it's a cycle of remedying a cut with salt because it makes it hurt too good.

Having Onika here is enough to make me sober, but I'm afraid. I feel like High Beyoncé has already burned that bridge. I'm mean when I'm high.

She sits in the front passenger seat of Robyn's car as we're being driven home by our friend. Im behind Robyn and across from her so I get away with staring at her for seconds at a time. The drugs are wearing off, so I can see her much clearly.

She is infatuated in her phone, texting the groupchat with a quickness. Our phones ding with every notification of texts and pictures being sent between her and Kelly.

I can't tell if it's her adjusting herself in the seat or the drugs that make my chest flutter a bit.

When we were younger, I never imagined I would turn out to be pushing her away. I didn't imagine High Beyoncé either, but here we are. I want to take it all back. I wish I would've coped in a different way. I wish I never met Zendaya, I wish I would've just said "no" and stayed miles away from her. I wish I would've begged my mother for an effort to find a ride for church. Maybe Nicki and I wouldn't have this much of a divide.

I stare at my own lap and take a deep breath. Robyn looks into the rearview mirror and we meet eyes.

"You okay, Bey?"

I nod, "Mmmhmm."

I feel the drugs wearing off and the chills and shivers that come with.

Now that I'm sobering and Nicki is here, I struggle to fight back tears of anger towards High-Beyoncé. We could be joking around and talking if it wasn't for her.

I take another deep breath and sniffle. Robyn looks into the backseat again and I divert my eyes away quickly.

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Thoughts now that we have Beyoncé's POV?