The Closer I Get to You

18

Nicki

I grab onto Beyoncé a bit because this is a bit too scary for me. She simply puts her arm over me while I lay my head on her shoulder.

We're here to watch a horror film. College and post high school endeavors has caused our friend group to drift a bit. This is a little get together for all of us to catch up and hang out. And by "Us", I mean Robyn, Kelly and Solana. But Bey and I have stuck by the shoulders since we met up in the parking lot, like puzzle pieces that go together.

"Scary ass."

I look up at her pretending to be offended, but end up clutching hard into her when a jumpscare appears on the screen. I only agreed to come and watch so I could see her again. I haven't seen her since one of our peer's graduation party.

"It's okay." she says.

For a second I feel quite comfortable and anchored in such a place. Beyoncé's presence brings me such comfort and I try to enjoy it much as I can. I cannot express how great and home-y it is. I wanna stay here forever. I think I can say that in my head with my full chest.

I literally jump out of my seat and make it to the exit when another jumps are of the villain with his chainsaw and the grinding noises pop up. I have my hands over my face so I won't puke from it and to shield my vision.

"Nicki!" I hear Beyoncé loudly whisper and steps following me to the restrooms.

I'm seeing blurry until I get to the sinks.

"Nicki--"

Beyoncé looks a little flushed in the face. For a second my breath stops seeing her heave and move her hair away from my face.

For a second my eyes go to her lips and I admire her from such a point of view.

"You okay?"

I nod.

"Wanna sneak into a romcom or sum?" She asks.

I shake my head "no", especially after what I saw. I should've asked Robyn about the movie she was begging so hard to go see instead of blindly agreeing.

She raises her brows in worry, "Can I give you a hug?"

I nod, needing my security in her hold again. She wraps her arms around me tightly and rubs my back vertically, then circles, then vertically again.

"It's okay, you're okay." She whispers into my ear.

I believe her instantly. I lift my head up to look directly at her as she sways back and forth to calm me. Even when we were younger, she knew how to get me to calm down after a bee sting or scraping a limb.

Some of our interactions as of late have been very iffy. We've bonded easily, but it feels like we are in a gray area of sorts. I don't know if I want to clear it up. I don't know what would be of our friendship if we even address it. What if I don't really want this?

What if this is just a phase of teenage lust? I'm unstable, I've had nothing to focus on but school until now, why haven't I dug further into this? Why am I tiptoeing around my clear feelings?

She dips her head down to the point her lips and mines are closer than they were before. I can feel her small inhales against my lips.

She leans forward and connects our lips. My eyes widen in a bit of shock and slightly close as I slowly relax.

A wave of anxiety hits me. My first kiss at all. My first kiss with a girl. My first kiss with a girl in a theater. My faith?

My relationship with God? Did I just throw that down the drain?

My eyes snap back open, I push her away, and slowly take steps back. I feel like a camera crew is gonna emerge from one of the stalls and put me own the spot like I just fell for a trap of some kind.

"I'm not gay!" I blurt.

I regret my words instantly as I see Beyoncé looks hurt and just stands there. Her brows raise and her bottom lip begins to be rolled between her teeth.

"I-I'm not gay." Why is my mouth still moving?

Before I realize, a tear is down my cheek. My heart rate is at 1000% because my body isn't reacting and doing what it's supposed to do. Why did I do that?

"Ni--" she tries to reach back for me but I dodge it.

"No!"

I run out the bathroom because I've already fucked things up as is.

I ruined it didn't I?

I bolt towards my car and I can't tell if I'm gonna be sick.

Oh my God.

_______

thoughts?

are there any queer folks (whether you're out or not) who have had a similar predicament as either one of them? I see you as a queer person myself.

Do you think Nicki will start to self reflect?