The Closer I Get to You

19

Nicki

I gave never been on my knees for any woman until now.

I'm at a crossroad with my faith.

Being gay is not bad at all. If I were such an abomination, why would God bother to make me? Why make some whom you know is going to sin. If you know what is gonna happen, why not nip it at the bud? My head nearly hurts as my thoughts go wild.

I'm glad my parents are away on a spiritual retreat in the woods for the week. My tears are loud and rack through the house shamelessly since I'm alone.

I can barely sniffle in because my nose is extremely clogged.

My phone begins to go off and I reluctantly pick it up after getting a random feeling to.

"Hello." I answer.

It's very telling in my voice that I've been crying.

"Onika." I can hear Robyn speak to me in an angry tone. "Three fuckin' days, I hear nothin' from you."

"I-"

"And SUSPICIOUSLY, Beyonce doesn't want to talk after you left to go to the bathroom with her. What. Happened?"

My throat goes dry.

"Beyonce hasn't answered calls, so I assume you know why."

I'm shamefully quiet and I hear Robyn curse.

"Dammit, Onika turn FaceTime on. You're telling me. Have ya been cryin'?"

I only do so when she curses some more.

"Oh my."

I see Kelly next to her in the passengers seat of her car. I wonder where they're going.

"Hey, Nicki." Kelly says.

I barely get to acknowledge her before Robyn is taking over the phone again.

"Goddamned it, Onika!" Robyn yells. "You've been crying, I'm going ova thea' right fuckin' now!"

I tense up.

"No-no, no, no, no, no--"

I'm interrupted by the hang up sound of the phone.

_______

Robyn stomps up to my bedroom with Kelly not so far from her heels.

When Robyn gets like this, I get scared. It shows in the way I tremble.

"What. Happened?!"

I tense up. The waterworks stopped a while ago. Nothing is coming out. I'm too ashamed to speak. Robyn is one who will read you for filth.

"Chill." Kelly puts a hand on Robyn and sits at the foot of my bed.

I'm glad she's here to mediate the conversation, especially with Robyn being on edge.

We're quiet and stare at each other for a few minutes until Robyn lets out another huff.

Robyn has known Beyoncé longer than I have. I assume she'll be protective of her. While she reveal that I was in the wrong? That I could've hurt Beyoncé?

It's a very real scary thought courting through my head. I don't wanna hurt Bey. Not from any standpoint, I'm just not the kind to go around causing damage.

"Look, Neeks... I know somethin's up, just tell me." Robyn says. "I hate negative ass energy especially when amongst my friends. What's up?"

I take a deep sigh.

"I know it's gotta do with you and Beyoncé, so what the fuck is up?!?" She sternly crosses her arms.

My jaw tenses up, "She kissed me."

Kelly shakes her head as if she's still looking for an answer and Robyn looks at me with her eye twitching a bit.

Robyn isn't homophobic, in fact, she knows about my sexuality. But she also is very familiar with the fact that I am a pastor's daughter. The daughter to someone who's beliefs don't agree with my existence. My father has been incredibly vocal about it and my mother has a softer approach to it.

I can acknowledge that the hate towards myself pops out when I stare at Beyoncé too much and get into my thoughts about her. My thoughts are another fish to fry. In another world I would've extended the kiss. In another world where I wasn't so afraid of myself.

Kelly as a supportive non-Christian is kinda lost at my revelation. After a whisper from Robyn she gets the memo.

"I mean... did you not want it? Did she come onto you?"

"No, I wanted it- I just... that came into my head and I freaked out. I think I fucked it up with Beyoncé and I." I say. "I liked it but got scared and shoved her away."

"Well she's been to church. She knows your beliefs and where you come from. Discuss with her. I know she cares enough to understand." Robyn says.

"You think so?"

"Yeah... she has gotten that empathetic trait back after..." she shrugs and I know what words she meant to say afterwards. "I wouldn't stress too much."

"You don't think I hurt her did I?" I ask sincerely.

I panicked. Hurting Beyoncé was NEVER the intention.

Robyn offers me a shrug, "I dunno, Neeks. Talk to her. It's been a week and I wanna go out with y'all again."

"How?"

"That's for you to think about." She says simply. "But please do it right."

I sulk my shoulders forward as I sit on my bed. Kelly joins me and gives me a hug. Do I feel better now that they both know? A little, but the weight of what I could've done to get Beyoncé to go no contact weighs on me the most.

I've gotta make things right.

"You been cryin' while auntie and them been gone, hmm?" Robyn asks.

I simply nod.

"Ight, get cleaned up and I'll feed ya somethin'."

"Thanks, Robbie." I say.

"No problem, Neeks." she says. "And it's okay to be gay. Don't let auntie and uncle get to your head. it's okay to be you. I promise. We love you. You gotta fix this on your own like a big girl."

I needed that.