The Closer I Get to You

27

Nicki

I moved out of my parents house with no explanation. That was the plan. Leave without speaking a word. All they know is that I'm going on a trip with my friends.

A part of me can't wait for them to realize I won't be returning.

It's best so I can move on and create my own identity. To embrace my own beliefs in peace without being under attack. I can address my traumas, fears and worries without immediately being shut down.

The minute my phone started to blow up with missed calls, I went and changed my number. I had the plan and idea of moving out on my mind for so long, but I'm still taking it harshly. Everytime I turn my head I expect to be critiqued. I expect to be yelled at about my relationship with God not being strong enough. I'm shocked I saved face about it for this long.

Now that I'm away and not a Christian anymore, I'm not sure what to do. I'm taking this time to explore my beliefs though.

I shadow nurses in the nicu's while they do their job. Occasionally I help, but most of my time is spent holding babies and talking to them when their parents can't be here at certain hours, and/or when other nurses are setting up or cleaning up their stations.

It amazes me how these babies will go strong enough to live and possibly do something bigger in live. Play sports, do music, be an artist, be the nicest person on earth, or the most arrogant. The thought calms me. I wonder if I will ever fully feel like I can start from new. I kind of do, but I'm still held back by worry.

I'm not sure how to get closure but I'm sure I'll get to it somehow. I don't expect to age backwards, but I do expect to grow and mature mentally and emotionally.

If and when I have children someday, I want to do better by them. 100%. I'm not saying my parents are horrible, but I also can't deny or eliminate the damage they did.

What is to be of my life now?

I don't really have a set vision or plan.

I don't really have Beyoncé.

Beyoncé spent some time at the lake flirting with this new girl she brought.

Giving looks to each other, making comments.

To say I "didn't like it" is an understatement.

I've bitten the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood ever since Robyn and Kelly posted pictures from the day. The way Beyoncé looks at her. The way she looks at Beyoncé. Ugh. It's enough to make my skin erupt in hives and for me to start sizzling of heat and anger.

I remember feeling this way as a little girl and now I know what the feelings mean. I hated when Beyoncé would spend even a few seconds greeting someone. I hate it now when Beyoncé and I aren't necessarily a thing. It seems at times that she isn't fighting to try to be one.

Now that I'm slowly accepting myself I want nothing more than for Beyoncé to be mine. I know it's probably illegal to claim or own a person, but if I could, I definitely would.

I don't know who that girl thinks she is.

Maybe I can convince her to tattoo my face on her back.

I feel like I'm the reason we aren't together. I must've scared Beyoncé away.

My eyes close right in annoyance as my thoughts swirl about.

I get tapped by one of the nurses in the hospital I'm interning at and turn my phone off.

"Break's up, Maraj."

I scoff to myself and comply with the older nurse.

I follow the older woman towards the hallways and try to push everything out and away. we enter the ward and we are greeted by the new baby smells, whimpering and crying. A few mothers are in wheelchairs as they are on the way to see their children.

I try to push my thoughts away as we enter a room with premature twins and I am given orders.