The Closer I Get to You

8

Beyoncé

I puff my cheeks up and exhale as I fan myself in front of the mirror.

Students walk behind me and make weird faces. Some I remember from previous classes we may have had in the past. Others are most likely underclassmen.

I let out a cough as I'm feeling all of the effects of my withdrawals.

Mama's pay was ridiculously low this week and Zendaya couldn't get me any freebies or spares.

It feels weird to be in touch with reality. It feels weird to care about how I look again. It feels good to not be seeing everything through angry lenses. I'm afraid to face my friends without some grams to back it up. I'm afraid I'll disappoint them.

I sniffle once more and get to going to Mrs. Lilian's classroom for lunch.

I'm a bit late so the halls have low spurts of kids walking around. I get past the threshold of the classroom and the chattering of my friends at the table stops.

Robyn is the first to speak with a small smile and an arched brow, "Hmm."

"Hey." I say softly with a small smile.

Kelly and Solana shove each other's shoulders in shock.

I'm dressed a little tighter, my hair isn't unruly, and I'm put together.

I take a moment to look at Onika. Her jaw is dropped and she tries to cover it with her sub sandwich.

Now that my eyes aren't glued to the floor I admire her choice of outfit today as well.

I should definitely be looking up more.

"Beyoncé..." Kelly greets with a smile. "Welcome back, girrrrrrl!"

"Hey, Kels."

I scoot into my seat and start to eat while they resume their chatter. Since I don't usually speak to them, I stay quiet and listen to them babble about gossip and the he-she said stuff. I meet eyes with Nicki and she gives me a big dimply smile that I return. My chest flutters with pleasure and love. Zendaya isn't here, so everyone has slid down a seat, bringing her directly across from me in this group of desks.

This might just make me stay sober.

I move my hair away as I crunch on my chips, leaning back with my chin up, crossing my leg over the other.

"Yes, Nicki?" I smirk.

"Nothing." She responds.

Robyn merely gives me a "wtf" look with wide eyes. I ignore her for the shits and giggles and keep my eyes on Nicki.

I take advantage of the playfulness in it and look the girl up and over.

I haven't been able to appreciate her presence since we were younger. The girl is perfect, no flaws. Her being here is like seeing a glass of water in the middle of the desert that you're too weak to get to. I wish we were closer.

"You all smiley now, Beyoncé?"

It just makes me smile and blush more. I feel like she's teasing and is well aware. Or she just knows what to do.

She used to mess with me like this whenever I'd be angry as a child and it'd wipe the mug on my face so easily that I'd forget why I was mad in the first place.

Only I'm not angry and as explosive now so I guess this is why she feels a bit more comfortable.

I hate how un approachable I am when I'm high, but then again when I'm high, I have disregard for everyone but my sister.

I lean back into my seat with my arms extended forward and Nicki leans forward on her crossed arms.

She blows and pops her gum in her mouth playfully.

"So... how has yo day been so far, Yonce?" She says in a funny voice.

I respond in a funny voice right back, "Pretty good, yours?"

"It's been good." She raises her brow and goes to touch my face.

Initially, I stop her but instead I grab her hand. For a second it feels like a broken fuse has reconnected, like things make sense, like I've found what I've been looking for.

_____________

Robyn corners me into a stall and shuts the door.

"You sober now?"

"How you know?"

"Ya smell. Plus I know you Beyoncé." Robyn gets closer. "Look, I love you, but please don't get nobody's hopes up. This better be permanent. You boutta graduate, fuck you gon' do in the real world?"

I gulp hard.

"Look, I love you. I loved how you were in touch earlier. Keep it that way please." Robyn softens up her expression. "I'm not playin', Bey."

Robyn always stuck it out with me when I started to fall into addiction. She was the first to try to help on all ends, she cried with me, and picked me up at my lowest. Kelly and Solana did as well, but Robyn was more extreme with it. She only stopped going so hard for me when I kept going after 6 months.

I admit, I loved the way she cared enough to chase me until I stopped. Her letting me be kind of took the rush out of it.

"Promise me, Beyoncé. Ion wanna see you go back to bein' rude and shit."

"Promise."

She lets me down in time before other students file in.

"Wanna go out to eat after school? You can bring Solo."

"Sure." I exhale.

"I love you, I swear. Keep it up, Beyoncé."

I stare at her until she leaves the restroom for class.

___________________________

How do y'all pronounce "Bey"? I pronounce it as "Bae" or "Bay".

Thoughts on Beyoncé being more approachable?

Thoughts on what Robyn said?

Do you think this is what's going to keep Beyoncé sober?

Do you think Beyoncé will eventually relapse again?