The Closer I Get to You

41

Nicki

Thankfully class today is virtual due to my professor being sick. I'm at my mother's getting my notes done while she cooks some lunch for us.

This reminds me so heavily of when I'd do my homework on the countertop in elementary school.

I'm planning to tell her. She's divorcing him anyways and I doubt anymore "damage" can be done to this marriage. Beyoncé's been more weird about this than I've been. In her words, "it's always the DL's being so vocal about their hate for gays". She's mostly pissed about the fact that he battered and bruised me so badly while also being in a similar predicament as me. I agree, but I let it go because I don't want this to continued carrying it on. I'm gonna tell it to my mother and this will be the last time this will be mentioned from my mouth.

The professor says his last minutes announcements and goodbye as people begin logging out of the zoom meeting, I note the guy my father was with. He lays in bed, looks like he was awoken from sleep recently.

William Burch, the name right under him.

I log out of the meet quickly after that.

I close my laptop and my mama stands in front of me with a hot plate. I just wanna dive into it but also wanna throw up with everything going on in my mind.

"My daughter, what is it you wanted to tell me?"

I'm afraid to speak since this is heavy shit. I immediately stuff my face with the plantains on my plate. My mama's been a great wife, how will she take such news? He betrayed her.

"Oh Nicki..." she shakes her head.

She so insistent to know and is within right.

"I saw um..." I nod my head to the side, I don't wanna say his name. "when I went out with my friends."

I expect for her to be panicked and concerned and worried.

"And?"

"He was with a guy."

My mama sits back and gulps. She grabs another bite then crosses her arms.

"A deacon? Someone from the congregation?"

"No, he was hugged up on him mama..." I can't bring myself to complete the sentence.

I wait for her to yell and scream and freak out overall. But I see nothing. She almost seems almost okay with this. Like I've pointed out the obvious.

After a second I search for eye contact. I'm the one sporting the shocked look.

"Mama..."

"Nika, my baby, he's always been gay."

Huh? I make a face.

"Yeah. Since he was in his teens he knew. Your grandparents were very religious and did not at all accept him, he was forced to be a pastor since they assumed it would be the one career that would keep him stuck to a Bible for hours a day."

I feel myself getting hot in the face. I want more.

"I was his friend growing up and married him, I wasn't gonna let his ass go to the military. Then came you."

Did he even really want me? Growing up it was just myself and my mother. He had every excuse in the world on why he missed the big moments in my life. He barely ever was at home for more than five days at a time. Almost always on edge about something... it makes sense now, but I have this angry feeling towards him that just continues to grow.

"We agreed to marry so he could cover up for his parents, and he could have his cake on the side too."

I just sit there. I don't even wanna eat. I just wanna disappear.

"I'm sorry you found out like this."

I feel tears fall down my face.

"He loves you very mu--"

"So why did he beat me? Say all those ignorant things growing up?" Why?

"Nika--" my mama pauses and clicks her teeth looking up. "Nika, he's been through a lot and--"

"Why?" My voice cracks.

I'm so angry I just wanna cry and throw a tantrum like a little girl. The little girl in me scared to love Beyoncé out loud is so upset. My inner child who was robbed of a present father is so pissed. Why did he even cum in my mother if he knew he didn't truly want a child to raise? He knew he wasn't ready he shouldn't have done that. To me nor my mother.

He left a bulk of the work to my mother and the congregation. He should've let my mother choose a better man to father me. She should've cheated too.

I take my shit and leave the house. I don't want to blow up.

"Nika! Onika!"

My mama calls for me but I'm already pulling out of the driveway heading home towards Bey.

___________
The end is near...