I wake up to the sound of beeping and light snores. I'm faced with a plain white ceiling, the lights were off but leaving a lamp on in the corner. Looking over I see Miguel hunched over on the hospital couch, he had dried blood on his shirt and pants, even his hand had a faint redness to it. Memories came rushing in. "Miguel...Miguel." I call out in a weak voice holding my hand out, he stirs in his seat but his shoot open seeing me awake. "Babita." Miguel rushed over to me putting my hand in his. "Nurse!" He calls out. "Nurse she's awake!" A nurse comes rushing into the room. "Dear how are you feeling?" Mi gurl moves out of the way so the nurse can come to my side. "Like I died and came back to life." I try to sit up but a shot of pain moved through my body from my stomach. "Be careful dear, you were grazed by a bullet." The word bullet echoed in head until the names Maria and Tony came up then I felt my stomach, nothing was moving. I burst out in tears after feeling nothing... "Dear what's the matter?" I ignored her and looked over at Miguel. "I'll leave you two." That is all she says and quietly exits the room. "Babita, what's the matter?" He comes back to my side holding my hand. "I'm sorry." "Sorry for what?" "I lost it." "Silvana I'm gonna need you to explain, what did you lose and why are you sorry?" "I lost the baby." I weakly say. I hear Miguel let out a defeated sigh. "Fuck!" He yells out letting go of my hand. "I'm sorry." He rushes back over to me. "No it's not your fault." He holds me in his arms brushing my hair with his hands. "It's not your fault..." He kept repeating as wailed in his arms. I look up at him, "They're dead aren't they?" Miguel looks at me with sympathetic eyes.
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"I knew it." I held onto him tighter not caring that there was blood on him. "This is my fault." Miguel looks up cupping my face. "None of this is your fault, you hear me." He looks at me deeply. "It just wasn't meant to be right now, I haven't even proposed to you. We will have a baby don't you worry." He lets go of my fave and went back to hugging me.
I hated myself. I hated the universe. But mostly I blamed myself for the lost of our baby. I tried to listen to Miguel's words, we weren't married yet and I had always vowed to not bring a child out of wedlock. I know what it felt like, this baby just wasn't meant to be that's all. It wasn't meant to be....
"Here lay down, I'll be back with your medication." Miguel helps me onto the bed carefully covering me up. I had been out if the hospital for about 2 weeks now but Miguel was still caring for me like I was fragile. I would be lying if I said that I had closure over the death of Maria and Tony and my unborn child. I was hurting deep inside still, I felt my flat stomach. The slight pudge I had was now gone, it was like there was never nothing in my stomach. For this being my first time becoming pregnant I was too excited. I had already planned on how I was going to Miguel the news. After Maria's baby shower I was going to surprise him over a special dinner. I had already bought a little onesie to show Miguel. Looking over at the closet, I get up from the bed walking over to the closet. Opening the door I pull the strung hanging from the closet ceiling causing a small light to shine. Bending down I pick up a small shopping bag, I pull out the onesie I had bought.
I'm Daddy's #1
It said in white writing on a red onesie. I clutched that onesie in my hand tears were now falling down. This time I wasn't hiding them, Miguel didn't like it when I cried all the time so I usually cried in the shower or when I was going to sleep. "What's the matter?" I hear Miguel let out a deep sigh as he sat down the pill bottle on our dresser. "I bought this for the baby." Now I was ugly crying, I didn't care though. "Damn." He shakes his head and walks over to me. Miguel kisses me on my lips. It was in the heat of the moment and it happened, we had sex. I guess to Miguel it hurt him but he believed that we could make another one. I knew we could make another but I knew another wouldn't be the same as the lost. I didn't know the gender, likes or dislikes, or even it's personality but I had grew attached to the unknown fetus. When Miguel wasn't home I would rub it and have small conversations to it. Telling it what I would and wouldn't do or how me and it's daddy was like.
"You know I still blame myself." I lay on top of Miguel's chest rubbing circles with my finger on his chest. "Why you say that?" "I feel like there was more for me to do...I-i could've did something." I scrunch face up trying to come up with reasons. "You shouldn't blame yourself, I've already dealt with those bastardos for fucking with mi familia." I could hear the slight anger rising up. "You don't need to worry." I turn my head to face him. "Plus I never miss." He taps my butt making me giggle. "Come here." He pulls me closer now I was on top of him. "We're going to make plenty of babies." He kisses my cheek." We're going to make one right now. He flips me over making me laugh. "Miguel you're silly." I let out while he kissed me all over.
That was the happiness I valued in that relationship. Where we were happy, nothing was setting him off. I had no bruises to hide from my friends and coworkers. That happiness lasted for 2 more weeks then it was back to how it use to be.
I became pregnant again after that, but after one of Miguel's jealous rages I lost that baby. I still blame myself for losing 2 not 1 but 2 babies. I stuck through thinking it'll get better but it didn't, something had to give.
