Compilation

Saying goodbye to my feelings

Dear future me:

  I was warned about all this before, but I just chose to not pay attention. I remember being the happiest person alive, then pain and then nothing. Nothing as in zero pain, as in no feelings, as in no compassion. What just happened to me? I always cared so much for so many.

  What happens now? What do I do? So many questions and so little interest in finding out. I would never look at anyone like I did before. I can't understand them because I can't feel what their feeling. I'm cold, distant, emotionless. I've been meaning to cry, but I can't. How am I supposed to go through life like this? I can't even love those that love me. I'm condemned to a never-ending spiral, and I can't even self-hate. I'm so numb it feels unreal and yes, I'm trying to live a normal life.

  Untie me. I want to live my life. I want to feel what you're feeling, I want to feel pain, I want to feel... something. I can't empathize with anybody and trust me when I tell you that it sucks. But like I said, I was warned. I was warned that I was becoming too strong, too harsh, too self-centered. But was I really? Was I too self-centered by wanting my own success, by wanting to become my own person? Who cares? I'm empty, sick, and almost crazy.

   I hate that I can't hate and that I'm surviving at random. I can't even care to end it; yes, you know, "it". I'm telling you this because the only thing that I can feel is this little light of hope that I will, someday, meet you on the other side of all this emptiness.

                                         With love,

                                                              Me.