lovesick idiots, anonymous // jujae

letter 60

hyunjae found himself surprised the next day at how quickly saturday had rolled around once more. this week he didn't receive a call from changmin to wake him from his slumber and honestly, he was really glad of this and secretly proud of the fact that juyeon had managed to pull himself out of bed.

it was hardly surprising though, the festival was moving ever closer and juyeon was never one to not attend practices or slack off when a performance as big as that was so close. the fact that the festival was only a week and a day away felt both terrifying and exciting. hyunjae always did love seeing his best friend perform yet at the same time he knew how nervous juyeon often got and he knew that those nerves would only be amplified considering juyeon couldn't practice the day before because of their tree planting trip.

with the younger boy's nerves in mind, hyunjae decided (as usual) to pay juyeon and changmin a visit. it was already afternoon and the two dancers always had a particular skill in not realising how long they had been practicing for and forgetting to stop for breaks or to eat. that was where hyunjae usually came in, it felt sometimes like he worked a saturday job for a food delivery company but honestly, he never found it in him to care. it could be said, perhaps, that hyunjae had a motto in life of: 'if juyeon smiles then anything is worth it'.

he got ready to go out at a leisurely pace, weekends were definitely nothing but rest days to hyunjae and because there was no schedule he had to abide to and no rules, he did everything exactly at his own pace. when he was finally washed, dressed and ready to go, he bid his mom a quick farewell and walked out of the door not even bothering to drop a message to juyeon and changmin for their orders. it wasn't like he needed to either, hyunjae couldn't even count on fifty hands the amount of times he had been sent by the two boys to pick up the exact same meals.

after arriving at the restaurant and placing their takeaway orders, hyunjae sat down in a chair and decided to use the time to write that day's letter. saturday's were always days where he found it hard to find the time to write them. although he and juyeon weren't at school together on saturdays, it was probably the day during which they spent the most hours together. it was almost unheard of recently that juyeon wouldn't have a sleepover at hyunjae's on a saturday night and despite how hard it made it for him to write his letter, hyunjae wouldn't have it any other way.

letter #60

lately we've been spending so much time together. no matter how much i enjoy your presence it's just not good for my heart, every time i am around you it beats so much faster than normal and my stomach is full of butterflies, i hardly know how much more i can take.

yet, still i ask you out after school to go to eat or you come back to my house to sleep over and you cuddle into my side subconsciously in your sleep and i allow myself to imagine, just for a moment, that you love me too. it's silly, i know but when you're curled up like that into my side with your arm draped over my chest, there's nothing more in the world that i want than for you to be mine.

i know i can never have you though and although the feeling is bittersweet it's okay. i'm content to remain as your best friend and love you from afar because having you in my life as a friend is better than losing you entirely right?

i'd sooner let the world end than let you go.

signing off as always:
a lovesick idiot,
anonymous.

before he saved the letter to his drafts, hyunjae read through it again with a fond smile. every word he ever posted always came from the deepest depths of his heart. the feelings that he had for juyeon were so painfully strong and raw that it made even hyunjae, who barely paid attention during creative writing classes, rival shakespeare. the boy was certain that he could write a million poems about juyeon or a million letters and never would it justify how strong his feelings were or what a blessing it was to know juyeon in real life.