lovesick idiots, anonymous // jujae

letter 61

waiting for jacob to arrive to starbucks felt like one of the most nerve-racking moments of hyunjae's life. he didn't understand why he'd been asked to meet up, he had simply assumed that jacob wanted to discuss whatever he had been talking to chanhee about the day before yet still he allowed his mind to run wild and think of other possible outcomes.

could jacob have found out about the letters? it seemed impossible yet hyunjae couldn't help but let the idea enter his mind. honestly, the idea of jacob knowing wasn't scary, the boy was extremely trustworthy and maybe the first person hyunjae would've decided to tell. he just wasn't anywhere near ready yet.

so hyunjae hoped that it was simply something minor, he'd discussed it with juyeon that morning and the younger had suggested that it could be something to do with the fact that sunwoo had a pretty obvious crush on haknyeon, this was an idea that the older boy latched on to.

when jacob finally made his way through the doors, he greeted hyunjae with a soft smile before walking to the counter to get his drink. hyunjae had already nearly finished his, it was one of his nervous habits to constantly sip at whatever drink he had in front of him, juyeon had pointed this out on one of their school sports days. the younger had found it particularly funny as hyunjae had made his way through almost all of his litre bottle of water even before any of his events had begun.

"hi," jacob's voice came then knocking hyunjae from his thoughts with a jolt. the other boy laughed slightly as he pulled out his chair and sat down, "stuck in your thoughts?"

"yeah," hyunjae replied but chose not to elaborate. he wanted to know as soon as possible why jacob had asked him to meet.

"so," jacob began before pausing to think a little, "chanhee and i met up yesterday because we wanted to figure something out, something i think i already knew."

hyunjae's heart dropped at this, it was the letters, it had to be. he knew it himself that jacob had been lurking around him and juyeon much more, he'd been watching them a lot more closely and hyunjae had desperately tried to push him off course with less specific letters posted at less obvious times yet it seemed that it just hadn't worked.

"it's something i think that you know too."

this cemented the thought in hyunjae's head.

"it's about lovesick idiot anonymous isn't it?" he asked with a defeated tone.

"yeah, chanhee found the message you spelt using the first letter of every letter, it started from letter 50 right?" jacob spoke cautiously but with a soft smile while hyunjae nodded, "when we saw that it was for juyeon it just confirmed it for us, it had to be you."

"yeah it's me," hyunjae ducked his head in slight embarrassment, "the message was just so that i could sit back and say that i'd tried even if i didn't want to," he explained and jacob nodded along.

"and the end of the message?" the other asked him, "what will it say?"

"that i love him," hyunjae breathed out. saying it aloud felt odd, throughout all of the time that he had harboured the feelings for, he had never once spoken of them aloud. the other boy seemed to realise this too as he gave hyunjae a few moments to think and calm down before he spoke again.

"how long for?" jacob questioned then and the younger looked down at his hands before taking another sip from his drink.

"three years," hyunjae sighed and the older's eyes grew wide.

"three years?" jacob asked in pure shock, "but that's so long? why did you never tell anyone?"

"i was scared," hyunjae responded almost instantly, "not only of what everyone would think but of what would happen if juyeon found out," he paused, "because it's not like he's just someone i love is it? he's been my best friend for almost my entire life, losing him would be like losing a family member and i just can't risk that for the sake of my feelings."