Slipping trough my fingers

Back to black

TW // Addiction, mention of drugs, using drugs

The next morning, Derek woke up. Meredith was still asleep, her back facing him

He wrapped his arms around her and she buried herself closer into his embrace

"Mer, wake up. You have to go to work?" Derek gently shook her

"I'm not going in today" Meredith whispered and turned around, ready to sleep more

"Mer.." Derek sat up "Talk to me. This isn't you, you're not the kind of person that stays at home. You're not the one that calls in sick and for some reason that's the only thing you've been doing lately" Derek started talking

"Derek, I don't feel well. I just need a few more hours of sleep and a shower. Tomorrow I'll go in again" Meredith told him

"Mer, I need you to open up to me" Derek grabbed her hand but she unintentionally flinched

"Mer?" Derek whispered as she just kept quiet, staring at him "Look, it's as if you're slipping through my fingers. I have no idea how to catch you. I feel lost without you, Mer"

"Derek-" Meredith sighed

"Mer, I didn't wanna blame you for what happened with Ellis. I didn't wanna let you feel like an incompentent mother, I just- I was an ass" Derek started when Meredith wanted to stand up "Please sit down and listen to me. I miss you, I miss my wife, I miss my soulmate. I need to know how you're doing" He practically begged her

"Derek, I'm fine" Meredith replied but Derek could see she wasn't being honest with him

"Mer, you always say you're fine but you're not." Derek said and touched her hand, this time Meredith accepting the touch. "Please tell me I didn't do this to you.." he continued and looked straight into her eyes. Meredith looked at him.

"I'm gonna get the kids ready for school." she said and left the room.

Derek sighed and got up to help her. He got Bailey ready and gave Zola her shoes and jacket. Meredith came into the living room with a sleepy Ellis in her arms.

"I'll drop them off at school and go to work, you can go back to sleep. You seem tired, okay?" Derek said and kissed Meredith's forehead. She just nodded and handed him Ellis. Derek and the kids left and she went right back to sleep.

..

Derek came back at around noon. He was worried about Meredith so he chose to spend lunch break checking up on her. He came into the house and called for her but got no answer so he made his way to their bedroom only to find her still asleep. He kneeled beside her and stroked her hair.

"Mer? Wake up it's noon already" he told her and she slowly opened her eyes. She sat up and rubbed her eyes to adjust to the room. Then she looked at Derek and the clock behind him. 12.23 pm.  "Have you been sleeping all this time?" He asked.

"Uh yeah, I guess I was tired." she responded not looking at him.

"Mer, I think you should see someone. Someone who can help you. You're not fine" Derek told her.

"Would you leave it alone, Derek?" she said annoyed by his hovering.

"No Meredith. You need to see a therapist." He said.

"So apart from being the one to blame for what happened to Ellis, I'm crazy too? Wow. Why did you even marry me if I'm such a catch." she snapped at him.

"Honestly, Meredith, I don't even know at this point" he yelled and she looked at him shocked from what he just said. "Meredith the woman I love and the woman I'm married to is somewhere in there but right now she's fading away. And you won't let me in. I didn't mean what I said. I know damn well why I married you. I love you. I love you"

But Meredith had no idea how to respond. Was there anything she could say? Was there anything she could do?

Derek waited a couple of minutes but it seemed as if Meredith was frozen in her spot so he shook his head and walked out of the bedroom.

"I'm sorry" Meredith whispered but it was too late. She heard the front door closing and she knew she did this.

Meredith felt the need to have something that took away the pain. Even just for a bit, she needed something. She got up and grabbed some of the sleeping pills, just enough to bring her to sleep until the evening. Then she remembered a conversation she had with Amelia.

"Meredith all I wanted was to check up on you. This whole thing with Ellis looks to be taking a toll on you. And I want to know if you are coping. Because when I was face to face with life I chose the wrong way to cope. Drugs numbed me but they weren't a solution. So if you need to talk, don't shut yourself out. Talk to me."

'Numbed' was the keyword Meredith was looking for. She wasn't looking for a solution. She wasn't looking for help. She was looking for something to ease her pain. To numb her.

AN // Here you go. Sorry we've been so busy so it took us a long time to update. Hope y'all enjoyed. Go follow my co-writer pompeoismyrock , tell the world I love her, she's the absolute best <3