Slipping trough my fingers

Breathe me

Being numb was all she could think about

Meredith had called in sick again that morning. The kids were on their way to school with the bus and she had gone upstairs to the bathroom. She opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the sleep pills

She took 2 of them, it would knock her out just enough to sleep until the kids came home. She would at least be numb for a few hours

It was only when her alarm went off to signalise her that she had to go get the kids that she seemed to function again

As she was driving, first to Ellis' school, she started crying. She felt lost, she felt isolated as the kids were all that she had left. She wiped away her tears and composed herself before she walked inside and got Ellis

Ellis started signing about her day while Meredith was listening carefully. She had placed the little girl into the booster seat and drove to Bailey and Zola's school

Once all three kids were in her car, she drove to the ferry docks and decided to go buy ice cream for the kids

"I thought uncle Alex was coming to get us" Zola commented

"I didn't feel very good today so I called in sick" Meredith explained to all three kids

"Are you feeling sick?" Ellis signed

"Just a stomach flu, I think" She lied. She couldn't tell her kids she wanted to stay home to sleep, to forget what was really happening. Once she parked her car on the porch and got the kids out, she felt exhausted, she needed to catch her breath

She walked inside and let the kids start on their homework as she started preparing some snacks

"Mommy, can't we do it later?" Bailey whined

"No honey, let's do it now" Meredith softly replied

Bailey sighed but started anyway. Meredith took a seat on one of the chairs and hugged her cardigan tight around her body

Ellis needed a big help with math as Bailey needed help with English but they finished in a record time

"Why don't we go lay down with a snack?" Meredith suggested

"Can I play instead?" Bailey asked

"Oh-" Meredith breathed and started doubting herself "Okay Bails" She forced a smile as she sat down with Ellis and Zola on the couch

It didn't take long before Zola got bored and took off too. Meredith's mind was making her mad. She started to think that her kids were running from her after they realised she's dangerous but she got pulled out if her thoughts when Ellis shook her mom's arm

"What's wrong Ellie?" Meredith asked

"Can we read?" She signed

"Of course" Meredith smiled and grabbed Ellis' book before the two of them cuddled on the couch. Usually Meredith reads with her but she was unfocussed, couldn't pay attention to the book

Instead she was breathing in the sent of her daughter, the feeling of one of her kids close to her while she was fighting the strong urge to go numb, to take something that would make her go numb

Not while the kids are around

The afternoon passed way too quickly but without her notice. When Derek entered she shocked up a little, causing Ellis to tense up

"Sorry honey. Daddy's home" Meredith quickly signed and felt her girl calm down again

"Hey" Derek walked in said hello to the kids first

As he hugged Ellis, they both could hear her giggle in his strong arms

Meredith stood up and decided this was the moment where she had to be numb. She walked upstairs to their bedroom and grabbed a sleeping pill and popped it in her mouth. She decided to go lay down on the bed and she quickly dozed off

"Meredith?" She felt Derek shaking her awake

"Hmm?" She groaned

"Are you okay?" He frowned

"Just sick" She whispered

"I'll come get you if dinner is ready, okay?" He brushed his hand over her head and left again

Meredith wasn't sure if this was a dream or if this was really happening but she felt happy again for a minute. She felt married, she felt as if she was a good mom

When she tried to close her eyes again, she heard her phone ringing

Lexie

"Not now" She muttered and closed her eyes again for a while

...

"Mommy!" Her kids were shaking her awake

"Dinner's ready" Bailey told her

"I'll be there in a bit, okay?" She softly smiled at her three kids

"Are you still feeling sick?" Ellis asked her mother

"It will be better soon. I'm just tired and I really need some sleep" Meredith explained

"Grab my hand" Ellis signed before offering a hand which Meredith took and the two made their way downstairs

During dinner, Meredith was rather absent. She barely ate but kept looking at the kids

"Still feeling unwell?" Derek asked concerned

"Yeah" Meredith breathed

"Maybe you should go to bed after dinner. You look tired" He softly said

"Will be best" Meredith whispered

"We can help you! Yell when you need us!" Bailey offered

"Can I stay with you?" Ellis asked

"Ellie, are you feeling sick too?" Derek asked the girl as he rested his hand on her forehead to check if she had a fever "You're not warm honey"

"I'm not sick. I just wanna stay with mommy" Ellis explained

"That's good honey. Are you coming?" Meredith asked as she stood up "Come on doctor Ellis" Meredith smiled slightly as she grabbed Ellis' hand