Slipping trough my fingers

Ruby blue

Tw // Drugs, SH and depression

Meredith woke up in the middle of the night. Her youngest daughter was wrapped around her body and she smiled. Derek must have dressed her in her pajamas, Meredith couldn't remember changing Ellis

Meredith didn't see Derek and started tearing up. She needed her husband around, she was lost, she wasn't herself. She couldn't go on like this but couldn't leave her kids either

Meredith got up and walked to the bathroom. She couldn't take painkiller, she couldn't take anything because she had to be able to wake up for the kids

She was going crazy. She looked at herself in the mirror and broke down

She looked at her pathetic self and grabbed one of the scissors she kept in the first aid bag they had in the bathroom

She sat down in the corner of the room and started cutting herself, just as a relief. A relief to take the mental pain away, to give her a break from anything

A one time thing

At least that was what she promised herself

Once she bandaged herself up and rolled her sleeves down she heard soft knocks on the door and opened it, only revealing Ellis standing there

"Mommy, are you okay?" Ellis signed

"Of course honey" She signed back

"You were gone for a long time" Ellis frowned

"I'm done now, let's go back to bed" She said and lifted the girl in her arms and settled down on the bed

The little girl quickly fell back asleep as Meredith kept pinching the skin around the cuts she had made as a reminder of what she had done, a reminder of what kind of failure she was to her kids and husband. She was an awful doctor because she called in sick just so she could sleep

"Mommy" Ellis pulled her out of her thoughts as the little girl used her voice which muffled the word a bit

"What's wrong honey?" Meredith signed

"You were crying" Ellis signed back

"It's okay baby. Go back to sleep, mommy loves you" She signed before kissing Ellis' head. The little girl got up to kiss Meredith's head too and giggled a bit "Silly girl" Meredith signed

"Love you mommy" Ellis signed before closing her eyes

...

A few hours later, Meredith woke up by tiny hands shaking her awake

"Good morning munchkins" She smiled

"Morning mommy" Bailey giggled

"Let's lay down for a bit longer" Meredith pulled them closer

"I'm hungry" Bailey whispered

"Well let's go down then" Meredith said and walked downstairs with the kids where she prepped their bowls with cereal "I'll be back in a few minutes" She forced a smile

She walked out of the kitchen and headed to the bathroom where she had to keep herself from getting an anxiety attack. Her hands on the sink as she tried to keep herself on her feet but she failed. She let herself slip onto the ground while tears streamed down her face. She was scared to make any noises which made the anxiety only worse

Her nails digged into her skin, she pinched herself, she scratched the cut open from yesterday, causing it to start bleeding again

"Mommy? Ellis spilled her milk" Zola knocked on the door

"I'll be there in a minute" Meredith forced out. She stayed on the ground for a minute before pushing herself on her feet

She composed herself and splashed some water on her face before she returned to the kitchen

"Hey Ellie, I heard you spilled your milk" Meredith signed before she started to clean up the mess

"Sorry mommy" Ellis apologised

"It's my fault. I scared her" Bailey said

"It's no one's fault. Accidents happen" Meredith explained by both talking and signing

"Kay mommy" Ellis signed and quietly started eating but didn't look up as her siblings put their plate away

"What's wrong?" Meredith signed but Ellis didn't pay attention. Meredith tapped her fingers on the little girl's hand and saw the little girl crying as she looked up "Honey, what's wrong?" Meredith signed

"I didn't saw Bailey coming" She slowly signed

"Hey honey, that's not an issue" Meredith kissed Ellis' head

Ellis shrugged and put her plate away. Meredith sighed as she saw the young girl leaving as if she was defeated. Meredith cleaned up the kitchen and went to the playroom where Zola was drawing, Bailey was playing with his Lego and Ellis was sitting at the window while reading a book when she got a phone call from Derek

"Hey, are you and the kids alright?" Derek asked concerned

"Yeah, why?" Meredith frowned

"There was a gas explosion nearby, you're sure?" Derek asked again

"Derek, I know you don't trust me but no, we didn't explode!" She snapped

"Mer, that's not how I meant it-"

"It doesn't matter Derek, talk to your kids if you don't believe me" She said before walking into the playroom "Hey guys, it's daddy" She handed her phone to Zola before she went to Ellis "Daddy's calling" She signed but Ellis shrugged and just continued reading

Meredith decided to drop it for now and went back to Zola and Bailey who were talking to Derek

"When will you be home?" Bailey asked

"Once everyone got the help they need, bud" Derek explained

"We miss you" Zola smiled

"I miss you too. Can you give kisses to Ellis and mommy for me? Bye bye monkeys, I love you so much" Derek said

"Bye daddy" Zola and Bailey said at the same time and hung up

"Okay guys, let's get ready for the day" Meredith forced a smile