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Flailing

Hi hi.

I seemed to have fallen. Where? Oh really I have no clue. Maybe down a sidewalk or into the vortex of my thoughts. I can't exactly tell it all looks the same if you ask me. The darkness that surrounds me is just a side effect of being me. Stuck in this existence breathing because my presence is somehow appreciated. Not by me at the moment, but it's been that way for a while. Mostly it's my fault for screwing up so much. The other is what people say that they don't realize has a bigger impact. Like when they are obviously kidding around, but it feels like needles in your heart. A reminder of a fault or habit or trait you have and wish wasn't there in your memory. It's not the best feeling. Sometimes I think of who I used to be and it's funny how messed up and changed I've become over a few years. I think it's also scary how much one person can change over a year. To go from not giving death a second thought while now it's my every other thought or the music change from pop to rock and metal. It all lead to me being a different person then I could have been. There seem to be so many ways I could be, but I am this one specific way. This one life and it isn't turning out the way I thought or wanted it to, but I might have time to change it. My problem is I don't know if I'm going to change it. I have all this time to not procrastinate yet every time I do and then I'm not okay the next day because I'm up typing or watching people talk or just not sleeping in general. This is pretty scary what I have become. A sleepy creature with demons stuck in this pit I may or may not have put myself in. I don't know if I dig myself a hole or it just opened up beneath me or I accidentally fell into it which is believable because I'm pretty unobservant and don't have any sense of direction so I probably got lost and just tripped. I don't think I come to this state gracefully. It just progressively got worse as things usually do so the gradual changes became what I am and deal with now everyday. Struggling because I don't know who I really am and I just kinda wanna know. Sure I need to find out who I am by myself, but I don't really have guidance or belief in anything so how do I even get there? What lengths do I go to in order to find who I am? If I even live until the age where I do know because accidents and catastrophes happen all over and maybe it could happen to me. I'd rather it be me than someone who actually knows what they're doing and are happy with their lives. I'm not ungrateful for what I have or anything, but I don't really have much sense. School sucks a lot because I suck at it and don't do much. It's just another long day to struggle through and I just want to sleep forever. Stuck in my head forever though doesn't sounds so good because I'm pretty sure my brain and I have a love hate relationship thing or whatever. Life is scary though. Finding reasons to keep going or really any reason to survive is hard when it seems basically hopeless because I'll going to die alone anyway, even if I do end up with someone I can't stay with them because death doesn't care who it takes or when I don't think. I don't know if I want this, these questions that keep me up and leave me thinking into the next day instead of sleeping and getting ready for the next routine day hoping for something different. All that before I realize it's the definition of insanity or what I've seen insanity defined as. I won't change what I do so things aren't going to change at all. It's pretty awful to me that in my existence nothing really exciting happens at all. So here I am laying thinking and feeling myself trying to figure out what lines fit my feeling jumping from loud to quiet songs searching for something to let me know other people do and feel the same as I do now. Here are a few I like...
"The most that I could do for you is keep on lying," Let It Bleed by The Used
"The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay 'cause I know I'm good for something I just haven't found it yet," Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade
"My mistakes I've made won't leave me alone," Wonderless by Pierce the Veil
"You loose who you are when you keep burning like fire, it's burning you down," Fire by Sleeping with Sirens
Everyone needs someone, but who do they go to if everyone they know is sleeping? Or not answering? You'll just be reduced to the internet hoping for something good. It's just a cycle of little sleep and screwed up emotions that go untouched. For so long I have been doing this, but for some reason I still feel that tired ache in my bones deep inside when I open my eyes and force myself up. Facing another day that usually goes the same as all the others. Mostly miserable with few real smiles...a sad existence, but one I think a lot of people have. I'm just guessing though I kinda hope I'm the only one I would much rather have myself hurt than anyone else because they're way more important and I want others to be happy while I don't feel the same. I think it's time to shut this down because my mind can't focus and thoughts are slipping away into my sleepy haze.

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