Leave Your World to Enter Mine...

Reliance

Hi hi. Reading got me on this train of thought...

We all want people to save us. The movies show us people generally need another person to love and live. That other person is always there and people open up and we learn so much more, but what's it all for. We all need people. People need people. If we like it or not which is always why I'm torn when I mean new people. I give them my name and they give me theirs and we know each other. Another life that I have affected. The problem is I don't want to be someone they forget, but at the same time I hope they don't remember me because then if something happens they won't feel bad. I want to both touch lives and never touch them completely. It would be a million times easier to just destroy myself that way. I'm self destructing from the inside anyway. My mind is screwing me over and sleep evades me leaving me at the mercy of tired horrible thoughts breaking me slowly but surely. I make them stop though breaking apart myself, but not in the way thoughts do. Broken dreams and thoughts left on skin. There's really no way to win. I win new marks and a temporary silence in my mind, but then people. They try to help yes so much in fact it scares me. I have to listen and go along because I can't flat out say, "no I can't stop." I don't have guts and everything aches. I'm messing up everything. I try to stay away from couples because yes I'm glad they're happy and probably in love, but I can't handle too much. I don't want someone I don't think I could handle that. Too much to think about without someone who is a step above a friend. I never understood why we must devote our lives to this one person. Yeah loyalty and faithfulness is a factor, but there should be trust. We should just be a big family and fix problem and save each other. If we could either all be independent or all be dependent the same about things would be so much easier. Then no one would feel "clingy" because everyone needs everyone and it's normal. Except of course that can't happen because everyone has different experiences and reasons for everything they do. It would never work. Maybe that's what annoys me so much that it simply wouldn't work. I hate the fact easiness never works and things are done the hard way and feelings get hurt. A problem I have now is I get attached to people. Across a screen who invite me into their room and tell me their thoughts and make me laugh all without knowing they reached someone miles and miles away from them. They don't know because I don't say anything and they probably care, but not to the same extent I do. I care and worry a lot about people who I will never speak to or meet. I simple observe them from afar with their permission. Just as you do with me only I only allow you to see my words and thoughts not my face or room. I expose myself just as much as I can to you because I feel like you deserve it. You deserve to know you probably feel the same as thousands of people. Maybe hundreds of thousands even. It's scary how awful everyone feels. And it's all real and awful with little help. And if there is help it might not feel like it's working. I don't know what to do anymore. In general and in life. If it's going to feel this bad I'm kinda not looking forward to it...

Welp that was kinda sad there at the end, but honestly it's me so there isn't much to expect...anyway
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