Leave Your World to Enter Mine...

Destroy It.

Destruction. A form of creation? Sure. In a way it can help, but it hurts more most of the time. Things get left broken and shattered. Dead people. Broken people. Cracked hearts. Lies. Broken trust. Except remember beautiful flowers after a fire and inner strength found. So it works in the sick way as life does usually. Only maybe this isn't what the update will be about.

I recently had a birthday and holiday stuff has been happening. Going places because someone from out of state is here and we go to places to show them stuff. Heavy reliance on music because music is fantastic...except sometimes it's not enough. And you still feel like everything is horrible and it's hard to cope and one person keeps asking if you're okay. Like I'll flat out say, "I'm horrible and kinda wanna die for seemingly no reason because everything should be fine" I know I'm better off in so many ways so why feel so bad? Wtf life? I hate this feeling of not being able to sleep and not being able to talk to friends about what I really want to. Urging me to ask the question, "what would you do if I died?" Some answers were really deep of what they'd actually do and others were more like you can't die. I liked the deeper ones. I deepest one I got from someone I didn't expect which made it even better. Making me realize I made a bigger impact on someone's life then I had thought. I liked those detailed responses better because it felt like a real answer. I found later one of the people I asked saw it and didn't respond because they didn't wanna answer. I would've preferred they just say like hey I don't wanna answer, but let's talk anyway. Of course that didn't happen it's just difficult. Sometimes I do wanna blurt out something horrible that'd make someone go get me help, but help seems sucky to me. Pretty horrible. Music is a drug, but sometimes not a high enough dosage. Feelings of loneliness since it's like one in the morning and no one is awake. Giving up seems nice in a sick sad way I guess, but I need to make it until a concert then...I don't know. I have a horrible feeling that things will only get worse. That's the way life usually works out. I also fear relationships because I don't understand how anyone could like me and I also am afraid of being emotionally invested and then a break up would probably destroy me. Like honestly no one should like me so a future for me isn't too bright love wise, friends will get tired of me, and I'll probably end up failing school stuff because I don't do anything and suck in general.

Anyway enjoy whatever time you're having. You're Amazing!!!!!!!