Even the Dark Side Can't Take Our Memories

Chapter 12 - To Betray Oneself

DISCLAIMER - If you have not read Chapter 11 since before Saturday, July 24, 2021, a short passage has been added to the very end that will make this chapter easier to understand.

Despite the fear and negative adrenaline intertwined with the memory of discovering Adonis, Ahsoka can't help but envy those days of endless battles. Each one once seemed so important, but they now mean nothing in comparison to the great war occurring within Ahsoka's heart.

It has been a time of confusion, never having more than bits and pieces of unimportant information at a time. Ahsoka hasn't spoken to Barriss in weeks; despite the immense despair Ahsoka felt upon the amateur separation they had once brought upon themselves, she has recently felt that she could survive without Barriss, knowing that she would see her again soon and that it was for the sake of the Republic. But now, she isn't so sure anymore. She isn't sure of anything. Because Ahsoka hasn't seen those deep, wistful blue eyes or slender, pale green hands that she longs for in what seems like forever. Barriss has been less and less present, less and less available. Despite the casual conversationalism of the topic, every time the Padawan is brought up Master Luminara seems hurt and pained. Ahsoka rarely even receives word anymore from her seemingly long-lost love.

And now Ahsoka is being haplessly accused, framed, for nothing she would ever dare to do. A crime against the Republic? Despite her tendency to not stick to the letter, her opinion that a bit of rebellion was always necessary for a successful war effort, Ahsoka would never dare to commit an atrocity that only the most despaired and angry people who longed for attention from the Republic would commit. Ahsoka couldn't understand who would do such a thing... but then Anakin came. Oh, Anakin. The desperate, valiant Jedi Knight... Ahsoka knew that in his brotherly love for her, all he wanted was to save her from a sudden unheroic fate - but Ahsoka would rather be locked behind bars for the rest of her existence, accused of a crime she did not commit, than know that her greatest love - the only person she truly cared about with the whole of her being - had betrayed her, framed her, simply to spread a message.

Anakin has proof. He claims he does. And Ahsoka supposes that she has no way of denying it - Barriss admitted to this treachery, displayed her ideals and opinions of the Jedi for all to hear... she hadn't even made eye contact with Ahsoka. She ignored her. No amount of yearning stares into those huge, crystal blue eyes could waver Barriss. Ahsoka doesn't know when Barriss matured from a young, troubled, emotional girl into this woman - this woman who cares more about extreme tactics of spreading messages than her soulmate. Ahsoka had thought they were soulmates... but weren't soulmates destined to have a perfect relationship? Didn't they deserve one?

It was one thing for Barriss to have committed this unthinkable crime - one even worse than the said crimes it protested. But to frame Ahsoka? Of all people? Ahsoka supposes that Barriss knew that if she were to be discovered, Ahsoka would never betray her. Barriss knew her too well...

Ahsoka doesn't know what to do. It feels as if everyone she once knew and loved has betrayed her - the Jedi, her first family, who practically raised her, jumping to the conclusion that she would bomb the most sacred of their homes simply because no other suspects had arisen. And Barriss's betrayal... the betrayal that Ahsoka knows she will never forget for as long as she lives.

Ahsoka knows that the Jedi will not expel her from the Order now - they have charged Barriss as guilty. But does she even want to return? Barriss was right... the Jedi are constantly going against their own ideals. But Ahsoka does not want her reason to leave to be the same reason Barriss betrayed her. Ahsoka could never be a Jedi without Barriss by her side, anyways. It just wouldn't feel right.

Ahsoka slowly stands up, her once full heart splintering in two as she does. She can't bear to do this to Anakin... to Master Plo Koon... to her found family... but she has to do this to herself.

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