Even the Dark Side Can't Take Our Memories

Chapter 21 - Goodbyes...

Ahsoka woke the following morning to find Barriss's 'bed' gone, the blankets folded neatly atop the dresser with the pillow beside them. Ahsoka wasn't surprised to find that Barriss had gone out already, but Barriss hadn't usually been folding up the bedding like this. It didn't mean anything. Barriss always had been a neat freak, anyways. Ahsoka pursed her lips at this once-endearing thought, pushing herself up and out of bed. She carefully got dressed and ate a small ration, then left to get to Speeders & Gears. Ahsoka didn't know if she had the energy to deal with a boss lacking in such empathy unlike Anakin, or an incompetent coworker like Corde, but with two people to feed, a strain had been put on Ahsoka's finances. She had no excuse not to go. Ahsoka slipped out the door, suppressing thoughts of longing for the way her days had once gone.

***

Hours later, Ahsoka made her way back home, rubbing her rough hands. The callouses she had built up from years of lightsaber training protected her from the mundane strains of mechanical work, but exhaustion weighed down her limbs. Ahsoka protectively placed her hand against her hip, flinching when she felt the jangle of credits there rather than the comforting thump-thump of her lightsaber against her thigh. Ahsoka clenched her teeth, her heart beginning to beat faster. She had to stop reminiscing about her lost past. She had been getting less and less sleep lately, hampered down with anxiety and stress over Barriss, and her resilience against her unwanted recollections was beginning to crack. Even though the memories were unwanted, her wonder years with Anakin and Obi-Wan were not. Ahsoka wished she could forget how much happier she'd been.

The resiliently resolute Togruta finally reached her home, shoving open the rusted door with tired limbs as she did each day. Ahsoka was shocked to find that Barriss's slender green legs were not seated on a crate, nor were her delicate fingers resting on the windowsill. Barriss was always back by dark. Though Ahsoka reassured herself that Barriss must just be busy, she couldn't help but feel her heartbeat quicken as it leaped into her throat. Nausea bubbled up in Ahsoka's chest, and she quickly placed her palm against her sternum to try and calm herself. Deep breaths. In, out. In, out... Ahsoka did not have to leave all of the Jedi practices she had learned behind.

It was as she steadily lowered herself onto the springy mattress when Ahsoka noticed her comlink settled on the windowsill. That was odd. Ahsoka had sworn she'd left it in the dresser drawer when she left that morning. Ahsoka carefully stood up, moving slowly towards the comlink. For whatever reason, Ahsoka was scared of what she would find when she reached it. The few steps it took for Ahsoka to make her way to the windowsill occurred much too quickly, and Ahsoka shakily lifted the comlink into her hand. She was not surprised when an image of Barriss Offee blinked into focus. Tears welled up in Ahsoka's eyes as the audio began.

"Ahsoka..." Barriss's shy concern for Ahsoka's wellbeing managed to come through bright and clear, even through a hologram. "As you've probably realized by now, I've decided to leave." Barriss bit her lip, looking up. "I know that you went to such extents to bring me home to you, even when I did nothing to deserve it, but I couldn't bear to put you in danger by staying. Just as you said, I am not free. There's nothing that the two of us could do to save me, or to save ourselves from each other. Even though we were never meant to be, I love you, Ahsoka. And I hope that one day you can learn to love me again, though I may never be able to hear you say it." A cry of agony escaped Ahsoka's pursed lips, her trembling fingers hovering above her mouth.

"You could have stayed to hear it."