Even the Dark Side Can't Take Our Memories

Chapter 20 - An Anonymous Mechanic

After Barriss's surprisingly unsurprising confession, the girls avoided each other as much as possible for the next couple of days. Ahsoka wanted more than anything to find comfort once more in Barriss's arms, yet couldn't bear to look her in the face. Let's just say, the passion of these two feelings did not work well together to put Ahsoka in a positive state of mind.

Two days after Barriss's disclosure of her true crimes, Ahsoka woke up before the Mirialan to the sound of a fight occurring outside her home. It was nothing compared to the fight occurring within Ahsoka's conscience.

Barriss had not been there when Ahsoka fell asleep, and Ahsoka did not want to stay until she woke up. She crept over to her dresser, wincing at the creaks the drawers made. Barriss stirred, but did not wake up.

Ahsoka tugged on smudged denim coveralls and a fraying cloak. She had discarded all of her clothes from her time with the Jedi Order, to hide her past identity from the citizens of the Coruscant underworld just as much as to relinquish material attachments in the hopes of relinquishing her emotional ones. She dragged a strip of leather over her head to hold back her lekkus, and strapped on a tool-laden belt. Ahsoka wished she could say she left the room without glancing back, but she couldn't help but pause to look at Barriss's peacefully sleeping face. Despite her tranquility, Ahsoka couldn't help but notice the way Barriss's lips were twisted downwards in a way more agonized than they'd once been.

Ahsoka quickly shook her head and slipped out the door.

With her hood drawn tightly around her face, Ahsoka was nothing but an anonymous mechanic to anyone she passed by. She was not a Padawan, nor a lost apprentice to Anakin Skywalker, nor an abandoner of the Jedi, nor a girl with a hopeless romance. She was just like everyone else, blending unimportantly into the background of the limitless galaxy.

Ahsoka found her way to Speeders & Gears, where she had been taking odd jobs since leaving the Jedi. She walked up to the front desk, where the Quarren Tinon sat with his feet crossed on the countertop. "Ashla, good. I've got a speeder what needs fixing." Ahsoka wasn't sure why she had decided to take on the pseudonym Ashla; she was not in hiding (for now, at least). But it felt good to start completely from scratch, with a new home, a new job, new people, and a new name.

Ahsoka nodded, deftly catching the keys Tinon tossed to her. Ahsoka wasn't a big fan of Tinon; he was lazy, and let others do his work for him, unlike the Jedi Ahsoka had grown up surrounded by. But he paid well enough, and did not give Ahsoka strict hours, and so she would not talk back to him no matter how she often wanted to. "Is Corde here?" Corde was a Rodian woman who worked at Speeders & Gears as well. She was not well-versed in mechanics, but she was an efficient assistant. Tinon nodded.

"In the back." Ahsoka walked past the desk, using Tinon's keys to unlock a door that led to a small hangar, with mended speeders waiting to be picked up and one decrepit speeder that Ahsoka figured she was supposed to repair. Corde stood beside the speeder, awkwardly looking at a broken pedal as if she was trying to figure out what to do with it. "Morning, Corde," Ahsoka said. The Rodian jumped, but quickly regained her composure as she turned around.

"Ashla. Good to see you. I, ah..." Corde uneasily glanced at the wrench in her hand, and then at the pedal.

"It's alright, I've got it," Ahsoka said, understanding what Corde was not saying aloud. She took the wrench from Corde and placed it on the workbench.

"Oh, I - I thought the wrench was -"

"It's okay," Ahsoka said. She often couldn't help but feel as if she was acting controlling over Corde, but at the same time, she didn't believe Corde knew how to control herself in a mechanic shop. "Could you just hand me those shears?" Ahsoka nodded at a pair of industrial shears hanging on the wall as she kneeled down to face the broken pedal.

"Oh, yes, of course," Corde stumbled over her words, hurrying to grab the shears and hand them to Ahsoka. Once Ahsoka got to work, she let the rest of her worries fade into the back of her mind, as she bolted and cut and hammered and polished. Corde occasionally handed Ahsoka a tool or held something in place, and Tinon checked in once or twice, but these distractions did not hinder Ahsoka's motivation.

A few hours later, Ahsoka stood up breathlessly to admire the shining speeder. It looked good as new. "We did good," Corde said, her arms crossed over her chest. Ahsoka did not correct the 'we' in this sentiment, as Corde had done little but hand Ahsoka materials. Ahsoka didn't need credit for the distraction from her pain. She left the hangar, taking the credits Tinon owed her on her way out.

"See you tomorrow, Ashla?"

"Probably." Ahsoka made her way back to her home, opening the door to find Barriss gone. Ahsoka rarely pondered where the Mirialan spent her time anymore, but she couldn't help but wonder if Barriss was spending time with someone else, even though she knew she had no right to feel uncalled-for jealousy. As thoughts of lost memories with Barriss crept their way back into the forefront of Ahsoka's mind, she squeezed her eyes tight shut again to fight off the well-suppressed despair. Ahsoka needed to do something, anything, to keep her mind occupied. She hurried over to the bed, pulling two metal poles from underneath. With the scavenged poles clutched tightly under her arm, Ahsoka leapt out of her window to reach the alley behind her apartment. After making sure there was nobody around, Ahsoka closed her eyes, bringing her arms down to her sides with poles clutched loosely in her fists. Ahsoka took a deep breath, and slowly lifted the poles to make an x across her chest.

The once-Jedi, now lone fighter, swung out her arms, leaping forwards and back and swinging the poles at imaginary adversaries. She flourished her limbs into various stances, fluctuating between spars and blocks like ever flowing water. Ahsoka stumbled back, wincing at the thoughts of the man who had taught her these very motions breaching her carefully constructed mental wall. She took a deep breath, continuing to spar against the attacks of her mind. When the lack of the familiar lightsaber buzz became too much for Ahsoka, she let her arms drop back to her side. To calm herself before going back home, Ahsoka took the long way around the alley rather than going back in through the window.

When Ahsoka finally reached the front of her house, squinting against the neon advertisement across the way, she carefully opened the door again, balancing the poles in her arms. The door slowly jerked open to reveal Barriss standing at the window, her short black hair framing the back of her neck. Ahsoka hurriedly turned around to try and go right back out the door, but Barriss turned around before she got the chance. "Ahsoka," she said softly. Ahsoka didn't respond, stumbling inside without taking her eyes off the metal in her arms. She shut the door behind her, and let the poles roll back under the bed. To breach the silence in the only way she knew how, Ahsoka hurriedly turned on the HoloNet.

"-Republic convict Barriss Offee on the run. There will be a reward of 5,000 credits for whomever may-" Ahsoka hurriedly slapped her hand back overtop the holographic man with his tight uniform, shoving the device in her pocket.

"Sorry," she muttered. Barriss shook her head.

"It's okay. I saw my name on a sign today. It... it read 'wanted' underneath." Barriss looked down at the windowsill which she had turned back towards. Ahsoka took a deep breath. She knew now that she could not postpone this conversation any longer.

"Barriss... I know that I-I got you out of prison and all that, but - you're guilty. Even though someone else convinced you to be so, you still committed the crime." Ahsoka found that the stubborn tone her voice typically held was gone. "I don't know how I can help you. You have no proof in favor of your innocence, and you can't be on the run forever." Barriss nodded.

"I know. But maybe, for a little bit... while we still can... we could enjoy the illusion that I'm free?" Barriss finally looked Ahsoka in the eyes for the first time in days. Ahsoka felt a lump rise in her throat. Oh, how nice it would be to just forget everything that had happened, and to act as if Barriss and Ahsoka's love was unproblematic and youthful once more. But Ahsoka Tano could not forget.

Ahsoka defiantly looked up into Barriss's innocent midnight blue eyes, that held secrets of guilt. "You're not free. And neither am I."