Beyond Her Abstraction

Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20
You Choose

Phthalo

"Why do you have to say that?" I tried so hard not to sound upset but the madness that has been stuck within me since that dinner cannot help but show up. It burst like crazy.

My mother looked at me with narrowed brows. "Why, anak?" she cooed, trying to reach me out but I stepped backward. "What's wrong?"

"I didn't say something like that to you, mom! Kailan ko pa sinabi sa'yong gustong-gusto ko si Winona?" hinihingal kong paturing sa kaniya. "Mom, please..." ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko, "please cut it off."

"What's the matter?" My father stepped in the sala as soon as he left outside.

Mangiyak-ngiyak na tumingin sa kaniya si mommy bago bumalik ang tingin sa'kin. "What's wrong about what I said? Hindi ba totoo namang gusto mo siya? She said you were seeing each other for four months."

"I told you she's just a friend!" I can feel the smoke oozing under my nostrils and the hotness of my cheeks. "What are you talking about engagement? I don't even know about it first!"

"Phthalo, stop shouting at your mother," pagsaway sa akin ni daddy.

I was busy catching my breath while looking at their faces.

Hindi malayong alam na ni Winona ang tungkol doon sa pinaplano nilang engagement. She was not shocked even a bit although that kind of matter is too early to talk about. She confidently said that we have been seeing each other for four months like nothing happened in between. Alam nilang lahat ng nandoon ang plano that's why they included us in their business talk. Ako lang talaga ang walang ka-ide-ideya roon. I feel so dumb.

"I-I don't understand you, anak. Akala ko ba ay gusto mo rin siya?"

"Nagustuhan ko siya, oo, pero dati pa 'yon, mom. Things have changed already."

"So what's the problem with it?" She raised her hands along with her shoulders. "You liked her before, so you can like her now too."

Napaupo ako sa sofa at napahilamos sa mukha. "Mom, ikaw ang hindi ko maintindihan. Bakit parang ginagawa n'yo ako ritong bagay na puwedeng gamitin para sa kompanya?"

"No, that's not it, Phthalo," pagdepensa ni daddy.

"And you are trying to arrange a marriage for me?" I questioned them, disregarding my father's statement. "It's not," I gasped for some air, "it's not that easy just like what you think. Hindi lang basta-basta ang gustuhin ko siya at papakasalan."

Mom's face has become red. Alam kong nanggagalaiti na siya ngayon sa'kin. "When you chose painting over the business, we let you. When you chose fine arts over our company, we let you. When you chose to attend that stupid exhibit over being with us in Manila, we let you," she said with a coarse voice. "Now, we are trying to save the business, our life, and the lives of our employees, why can't you let us?!" Her eyes are bloody red. "Just this one, Phthalo..." she pleaded.

Hindi ako makapaniwalang tumingin sa kaniya. "You didn't let me, mom," I stated as I swallowed a big lump on my throat. "I did all of those things without your permission and I fucking had to do all those shits with a heavy heart knowing that you would not like it."

"Then, why did you still have to kung alam mo namang hindi kami matutuwa sa gano'n?!"

"Is pleasing you, my life, mom?" A part of me tore apart as I spilled those words out of my mouth. "Why can't I have enough freedom like others? Like Mauve? Like Lean? Why do I have to live my life according to your preference? Paano naman 'yong tunay kong gusto, 'yong tunay kong sarili, 'yong tunay kong pagkatao?!"