All Along - Steve Rogers {1}

Chapter 12: For Bucky

Nellie couldn't remember returning to her hotel room the night before. She couldn't even remember what happened after she had left Steve looking at her with that appalled and bewildered expression on his face as he gazed up at her from the rubble.

She was awoken abruptly early the next morning by some unknown sergeant who was knocking loudly against the wood of the hotel room door with their knuckles, and Nellie had just enough time to make herself decent before the second round of knocking began. She was being summoned by the Colonel and there was no wiggle room for tardiness let alone refusing. A single day's leave was all that she was allowed to grieve for her brother... for that she was lucky.

The thought of seeing Steve again made her heart sink like a rock to the pit of her stomach. How could she face him again after what she had done to him? It was bad enough watching him seek comfort in Peggy - only for her to overstep the boundary - but to hurt him, physically and emotionally... she had lost control completely.

Nellie became conclusive with the fact that she couldn't be around people, not when she was this unstable. She couldn't put Steve in harm's way ever again, not when the danger was just being around her. Before Nellie took one step out of her hotel room she realised that she couldn't be with Steve. She wasn't safe anymore.

She had a single escort that directed her back to the SSR offices, that led Nellie to believe no one had seen her actions and that Steve had neglected to tell everyone as well. That meant she would have to tell them herself, even if it did mean she wasn't allowed into combat ever again.

Hastily, Nellie was led down onto the task floor where most of the operations that the SSR carried out were planned, and when she entered the meeting room she faltered in her steps. Every member of her team was present, including Howard, Colonel Phillips, and Agent Carter, and when they saw Nellie enter the room, they stood in unison and then proceeded to bow their heads in respect for the loss of Sergeant Barnes.

The emotion washed over Nellie, it caused her breath to hitch and a lump to form in her throat, and then, when her eyes landed on Steve at the head of the table, she felt like she could sob all over again. He looked lost, his eyes were still red but nothing like they were the night before, it seemed to be more from tiredness than crying. His gaze was locked on Nellie, his eyes following every simplistic move; the rise of her shoulders as she breathed, the slight nervous tick evident within the way she wrung her hands subtly in front of her, the slight parting of her rouged lips as she looked about the room.

Reluctantly, Nellie tore her gaze away from Steve and to the empty chair beside him that was saved just for her. Her heart felt like a stone within her chest, after the meeting she was going to have to tell him the truth, she was going to have to tell him she couldn't be with him anymore. Her eyes lifted above the chair to see the person who would be sitting opposite her - and on the other side of Steve - and she froze... had he really allowed her to get that close again?

Steve almost seemed to be subtly bouncing on the balls of his feet, he wanted nothing more than to propel himself forward and take Nellie into his arms. She looked so broken, so devastated. Her face was still red raw, a complete aura of nervousness enveloped her, and Steve was worried by the fact that she wouldn't meet his eyes. He wasn't hurt, not physically anyway, but he had hurt Nellie too, what she saw must have looked terrible... even more so after the loss that they had both suffered. He wanted Nellie to know that he was okay, and that she didn't have to worry. He couldn't be mad at her, not ever.

The colleagues of the couple did not sense the unspoken awkwardness between the two, they had both suffered extreme loss, and that seemed to be evident on their tired, red faces. Peggy, albeit quite unfortunately, knew about the issue between the two. She had obviously tempted her fate with Steve, and much to her joy she had seen Nellie's reaction. As any prowling woman would feel, she was pleased, the distance between them meant that she could get closer to Steve.