How To Love

125

Jalanee Coleman

I sighed as applied medical tape on my fresh bandage,in attempt to secure it. I've been doing better..I guess you could say.

I've gotten back use to sleeping back in my room and not being as needy when it came to Amira. Speaking of her let me go check on her.

I slid out of bed,walking quietly to the nursery trying not to wake up my Nana. To my awe,Kentrell already had her.

"I'm glad yo ass don't cry a lot. But you sure don't know how to sleep." Kentrell said rocking Amira.  I stood by the door and smiled at the sight of them.

"Pretty just like ya mama. Just like I said you'll be. Wish it was two of y'all though." He said. "Didn't even get to hold yo' brudda."

"I promise you I'm gon protect you like no other. I fuck up a lot and always let the people I love down but I gotchu for life."

He stroked her hair,as her big brown eyes stared at him.  He begins mumbling inaudible things in her ear,while kissing her cheeks.

"Why you don't smile?" He questioned her. She stared at him not understanding a word. "I guess you came out the womb mugging. You get that from me." He said chuckling.

He was so gentle and calm with her.  I really loved the bond he had with her.

"I love you." He said putting her on his shoulder,and bouncing her as he walked around the room. I cleared my throat making him snap his head at me.

"Wassup." He said watching me as I walked towards him.

"Nothing. What are you doing?" I said as I fiddled with her chubby legs.

"I'm tryna put her to sleep. Girl won't sleep for shit."

"Give her a few minutes. You okay?" I asked him. He nodded and scanned my body. "You?" He asked.

"I'm fine." I said giving him a small smile.

"I know you hurting. Youn' gotta hide that from me." He said,looking down at me.

"I'm fine Kentrell." I said adjusting the blanket on Amira's crib.

"I know how hurt look. Been feeling that shit all my life." He mumbled.

"When can we get rid of all this stuff?" I said looking at the other side of the room that was filled with boy clothes, sneakers, and the crib that suppose to be Amir's.

"You wanna get rid of it?"

"There's no point. Put it in the storage closet or something." I said,looking over his shoulder to see a sleeping Amira. "She's sleep."

"I don't like how you acting like us loosing our son ain't happen." He stated. "Like that shit don't bother you?"

"I'm aware of what happened. I don't want constant reminders of it." I said taking Amira out of his arms. I placed her into her crib,and wrapped a blanket over her.

"So it's just forget about him?" He laughed and shook his head. "Just fuck my son?"

"Did those words come out my mouth?" I scoffed.

"I ain't tryna argue witchu. I'll have niggas move it out by the end of the week." He said,storming out of the room.

These were probably the most words exchanged between us in the past week,and it obviously didn't go as I thought it would.

I took one more glance at Amira,sighing  and walked back into our bedroom.

"Kentrell did you give her,her last bottle before she slept?" I asked.

"She wasn't hungry." He said turning his back at me.

"What's your problem?" I asked.

"Ion got no problem. Take your ass to sleep." He said pulling out a lighter and a pre rolled blunt. I was a little taken back because he's been nothing but sweet and calm since everything.

"You can't smoke in here." I said,pulling the white sheets down.

"This my house." He snapped back,turning to me. "I paid for this shit." I looked at him in shock and made sure I was hearing right.

"You right. I don't have to be here." I said getting out of bed

"You been acting like you ain't want to be here for the past two weeks anyways. Ion give a fuck,keep doing it." He spat out.

"Huh?" I asked confused. "You know what-I'm not doing this." I said walking away.

"You acting like you the only one who hurting." He said snatching my arm back and pushing me onto the bed.

"That shit cut me deep. Everybody knows how bad I wanted kids with you. I got my daughter,but ion got my son. Lost him in the worst way possible." He said as his eyes got glossy. "Cause some crazy ass bitch came and fucked shit up between us."

"Kentrell-" I said reaching over to him. He pulled his hand back,leaving me shocked. "Don't touch me man."

"You distancing yourself,the time we need to be together the most." He said.

"And I'm not trying to. I'm sorry."

"You fucking with my head slime." He mumbled,throwing his head back.

"Youn wanna fucking kiss me. Youn wanna even be around me no more. You don't love me no more? If that's the case lemme know." He said with a vein popping out of the side of his forehead.

"Of course I still love you Kentrell. I-"

"So what's the issue? Why you be on some weird shit?" He asked,standing up.

"Honestly this is different for the both of us." I said taking a deep sigh.

"How? How the fuck it's different." He said as veins popped through his temples. "I lost the same person you lost. Don't come and tell me that shit." He asked pushing items off the dresser.

I stood silent, watching him get angrier with me.

"You better fucking talk." He said making me flinch at his words.

"It's different. We both lost a child,but I really live in fear now. I never thought it'll get this far,to the point where I'll get hurt. The women you dealt with in the past done it all,really. From bashing me on the internet,trying to get you hit me,speaking on my past,and trying to fight me every chance they get. They've said every nasty thing to me,which I always try to ignore but Jania really took it that far and stabbed me in our own home or "your home" . I'm scared. I have every reason to. And I didn't know how to tell that to you without making you feel like it's your fault." I said.

" I ain't know-"

"I'm not done." I said cutting him off. "I'm not a fighter. I'm not tough. I'm not none of that. You know that. And I still feel like I don't have to be and I shouldn't. But when I have a line of people who want my head simply because I'm with you,what should I do?

"Them bitches not on shit." He asked confidently,

"We thought the same about Jania. Look where we at now." I said.

"I didn't think of shit like that. The locks got changed. I'm gon do whatever to make you feel comfortable again. What the fuck else you want me to do?" He asked.

"You can't do nothing for me Kentrell. I'm going to be fine."

"You pissing me off. A nigga tryna fix shit witchu and you being difficult." He said making me scrunch my face up in disgust.

"I'm being difficult? Kentrell what the fuck could you do? My son is dead."

"My son dead too. Now what?" He asked getting in my face. "That don't mean you push the person you love away." He yelled at me.

"Whatever I'm done with this conversation." I sighed turning back to the bed.

"I'm bout tired of dealing with this. I'm outta here." Kentrell said storming out,making sure he slammed the doors. He better hope he don't wake up my child.

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